Learning how to advocate for yourself is not always easy. It can be difficult to feel that you are allowed to self-advocate or to know how to even go about doing so. Things like guilt, fear of conflict, worry about being selfish can get in the way. Therefore, it is important to learn how to advocate for yourself because you are entitled and deserve to have your needs met!
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS:
- Making requests/asking for what you need and want
- Saying no to requests made of you
- Setting boundaries
- Expressing your feelings
When you don’t even try to advocate for yourself, you are ensuring you will not get what you need or want. Getting your needs met, or at least trying to, is important for life satisfaction. It is easier to burn out and harder to be productive when your wants and needs are not met. So let’s talk about how to actually advocate for yourself.
HOW TO ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF:
- Remember your needs are important. Know that you are entitled to have needs and wants. Give yourself permission to ask for them. Talk to that guilt or voice that tells you it’s selfish. Challenge these myths that tell you otherwise. Stop talking yourself out of self-advocacy. Instead, tell yourself “I am important and my needs are important and I am entitled to ask for them!”
- Regulate fears around advocating for yourself. A lot of times fear and worry about conflict or someone getting upset with you or judging you, get in the way of self-advocacy. Don’t take these feelings at face value; check the facts. Ask yourself how likely it really is that advocating for yourself will cause conflict? Check in on the likelihood that someone will get mad at you. The bottom line is that much of the time the feared outcomes do not come to fruition. In the cases that they do, it’s generally not as catastrophic as we think it will be. In such cases, it might be more effective to reevaluate the relationship rather than tell yourself you shouldn’t have expressed your needs. Is a relationship where there is no space for yourself really worthwhile?
- Know your limits. In reality, we can’t always get what we want. Advocating for yourself is less about the actual outcome and more about giving yourself the space to ask for what you need. Then it is important to compromise and be willing to meet in the middle. Think about what your limits are and where you feel comfortable compromising versus what’s non-negotiable. Know your boundaries and stick to them.
- Clarify priorities and objectives. Part of knowing your limits is being clear on what your priorities are. Have a concrete idea about what you want and what your end goal is. Then determine what is most important here: is it having your objective met, maintaining the relationship, or your self-respect (i.e. being heard and agreed with)?
- Be clear and firm. When your emotion gets in the way, it can lead to advocating for yourself in a timid non-confident way. This leaves more room for the other person to not give in thinking they can take advantage or they might not even realize the importance. Your tone and demeanor give off strong signals to other people that will determine where they stand and how much they will give. Make sure to go in confident, direct, and strong.
Again, remember that if you don’t try, you won’t get it. Regardless of the outcome, the power of allowing yourself to advocate is extremely strong. It will help you feel more confident, secure, and maintain self-respect. The more you work on self-advocacy, the easier it will become and the more you will find you get your needs and wants met.
Don’t let low self-esteem keep you from advocating for yourself. Download your free worksheet here.
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
