This week we are talking all about dialectical dilemmas & our topic is: inhibited grieving.
We have covered dialectical dilemmas before, covering both active passivity and self invalidation. But if you aren’t familiar with them, dialectical dilemmas are extreme conflicting emotional states a person may present in treatment. In DBT treatment, the goal is to find a healthy union of the two opposing ideas in whichever dilemma a patient presents.
Inhibited grieving is just what it sounds like: grief that has been held back, restrained, or otherwise prevented from being fully experienced.
When someone is experiencing inhibited grief, typically they show no outward signs of grieving, no matter the severity of the event that normally would trigger the grieving process. While it doesn’t show up outwardly, the grief still needs some place to go, an outlet for the extreme emotion. So when the expression of grief is inhibited, the bereaved often finds their grief has manifested physically instead. Illness, stomach problems, nausea, trouble sleeping, muscle tightness or aches, energy depletion, headaches, lack of appetite, etc. are all ways inhibited grief can manifest physically if not emotionally acknowledged.
Today, I want you to think about how you feel when you don’t give yourself space to explore & work through big emotions like grief. Does the sadness really go away? Does it impact your physical health? Does it come back later and overwhelm you?
When we restrain feelings of grief, we don’t actually move past them. Instead, we bury them within us, and carry them around.
All that we inhibit when we block off grief is our own healing process.
Do you feel a lack of control when previously inhibited grief comes back? Or when it manifests in your body, negatively affecting your health? Instead, imagine you had a process to work through your grief without shame. How would that feel?
Grief doesn’t just come from death (though death can of course, bring on severe grief).
Grief can come from any sort of change or loss: a divorce, loss of a pet, a move, a job change, etc.
It is important to let yourself feel & experience the grieving process for any life event that may cause you to feel grief. However, often don’t let themselves feel that grief, and instead push it aside and keep themselves busy in order to keep on ignoring it. What this does is:
- It causes grief to manifest physically (illness, declining health, lack of sleep, etc.)
- It leaves us out of control of our emotions. Often the grief will resurface and overwhelm us.
- It inhibits our healing process.
Inhibited grieving can look like:
- Staying busy
- Pushing emotions away
- Isolating the self from anything that reminds you of the grief
Healing from grief can only happen when we acknowledge our grief. If a major life change or loss happens in your life and you feel yourself trying to restrict your grieving process, pushing away strong emotions, or trying to stay busy you may be inhibiting your grieving (& healing) process.
Here’s how you can begin to intentionally work through your own grieving process without ignoring or restricting it:
Acknowledge the loss:
Whether it’s loss through death, the end of a relationship, loss of a job, a move, don’t ignore the loss or try to pretend that everything is normal. Instead, reflect on all the ways the person, relationship, job, place, etc. helped you grow. Express gratitude for the experience you had with them. And then allow yourself to be sad about the loss! Of course if you grew or changed with the help of the person/place/etc. that you just loss, there will be sorrow that comes with the loss. Remind yourself that the sorrow is natural and just reinforces how special that person/place/experience was for you.
Give yourself space to express your grief without shame:
When you are feeling extremely emotional, do you have an outlet? Keeping the feelings inside of you, even when you have acknowledged them, can inhibit your healing process. Try journaling. When you feel something strongly, open to a blank page or a blank doc on your computer. What is it you’re feeling? Why are you feeling it? Let it all out and hold nothing back. There is no wrong way to feel–and your journal is for you and you alone. No judgment necessary.
Lean on your support system:
Do you have friends, family or loved ones who understand your loss? Reach out to them. Let them know when you need space to be sad, when you need a supportive ear, and when you need something fun to help get you out of a funk. “
