Emotionally-driven situations tend to force us into saying things that we don’t want to say – or worse – not say anything at all!
Sometimes you may not want to ask for help because you feel you may be burdening a friend. Or, you may not agree with somebody and don’t say anything because you are scared of how people will react.
Both situations highlight the importance of effective communication. One way to help you communicate your needs and wants more effectively is utilizing the acronym DEAR MAN.
Teens can put this skill to use when they wish to ask for something they want, or when they need to say “no.”
The acronym is as follows:
- Describe the facts of the situation
- Express your feelings and opinions surrounding the situation
- Assert what you want
- Reinforce to the other person why this will be helpful to both parties or to the relationship.
Clients will do this by staying:
- Mindful and ignoring any verbal attacks
- Appearing confident while doing so
- Negotiate if needed
Let’s explore how to utilize DEAR MAN.
For example, say a friend borrowed something from you, and did not return it.
- Describe the situation. “I frequently lend you things, but you do not return them after I ask you to.”
- Express your feelings. “I feel hurt, angry, and frustrated when you do not return my things.”
- Assert your wants. “I would really appreciate it if you would return my things when I ask.”
- Reinforce why your friend should comply with your request. “I would feel better about our friendship and not have resentment towards you.”
After that, remember to:
- Stay Mindful. Ignore any side attacks your friend may try to place. For example, your friend may point out that you haven’t returned some items or don’t text back. The best thing to do is ignore this and stay on topic!
- Appear Confident. Do your best to project an attitude of confidence. Make eye contact with the person you’re talking to. Stand tall. Try not to mumble. Remember, you need to believe that you deserve to have your needs met so that others will believe it too!
- Be Willing to Negotiate. The person you are talking to might not be willing or able to agree with your first request, but you may be able to come to a compromise. “I am willing to remind you once to return my things if you will agree to return them when I remind you.”
How does DEAR MAN help?
DEAR MAN is a helpful tool to have in your back pocket because it can be really hard to stick up for yourself! It can also be frustrating when people can’t read your mind or when you can’t figure out the best way to communicate with someone. DEAR MAN allows you to present your objective in a simple, straightforward way. Don’t let waffling over the perfect moment hold you back from asking for what you need. There is something to be said for planning your conversation in advance, but don’t let the need to control the interaction prevent you from using DEAR MAN effectively. This isn’t to say that it will work every time you try to use it. DEAR MAN is not an infallible skill, so sometimes using it won’t work, but it is still worth a try.
