Life is all about change. Life is always changing, and that can certainly be stressful. Often, when we are in a crisis, the Emotion Mind takes over, leading us to feel out of control and act in ways that are counterproductive to getting through the situation.
Negative feelings are a normal part of life; pain is a normal part of life. Pain is nature’s way of waving a flag at us, telling us that something is wrong or needs to be done. Suffering is the refusal to accept the pain. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
This week in our DBT Self Help series, we are going to be talking about Shifting our Mindset, specifically with Wilfulness and Willingness, and Turning the Mind and Radical Acceptance.
What is Willfulness?
Willfulness is trying to control the universe and deliberately or stubbornly doing something you know isn’t working.
When you’re feeling Willful, ask yourself the following:
- What is the threat? What are you fighting against?
- Why are you struggling or rejecting working with reality?
- What are your thoughts telling you and why are they so entrenched and causing stubbornness?
When we recognize that we are being Willful, we often feel self-judging thoughts. Acknowledging that you’re feeling Willful is not intended to be a judgement against yourself or make you feel poorly about yourself. Acknowledging that you’re feeling Willful or acting in a Willful manner is just something that we need to be mindful of.
What is Willingness?
Willingness is the readiness to respond to life’ situations wisely, as needed, voluntarily, and without holding a grudge. It is openness to the moment and doing what is needed. When you practice Willingness, you are listening carefully to your Wise Mind.
It does NOT mean that when faced by Willfulness by another person that you need to roll over and bend to their idea of what reality should be. A Willing response also includes assertively sticking to your values and working with reality and asserting your position effectively, if you’re butting heads with someone who is being Willful. Remember, you can’t meet Willfulness with Willfulness, it’ll just get you nowhere and no effective actions will be taken to resolve that conflict.
How do I shift my mindset to Willingness?
- Don’t judge yourself for practicing Willfulness. Simply notice it when it happens so you can set yourself up to turn the situation around.
- Remember, Willingness is about accepting what is. Accept that your natural response was Willfulness, instead of trying to fight it with more Willfulness.
- Think about Willingness. Open your mind to the idea of accepting the situation you’re in.
- Ask yourself why you’re holding on so tightly to Willfulness. What concerns you about letting go of control?
Once you learn how you can tell that you’re being Willful (ex: being mindful of your Willful thoughts and behaviours), you have reached a “fork” in the path where you can choose to continue to behave in a Willful manner, or you can choose Radical Acceptance, Willingness, and acting effectively. This leads into the next concept.
Turning the Mind:
When we reach a point where we recognize that we are feeling Willful or behaving in a Willful way, we are presented with a fork in the road. We can continue to be Willful, or we can choose to be Willing. Basically, as soon as you reach that fork through self-awareness and mindfulness, you can choose the other option–we Turn the Mind to the more effective course of action, in this case, towards Willingness.
This is why Turning the Mind is described as like facing a fork in the road. You have to turn your mind towards the acceptance road, and away from the road of rejecting reality. Therefore, Turning the Mind is choosing to Radically Accept and respond in an effective way to any situation. The choice to accept does not itself equal acceptance of the situation, but it does put you on the path.
Turning the Mind Steps:
- Observe what you are not accepting.
- Make an inner commitment to yourself to accept reality as it is. Do it again, and again, and again every time you approach a “fork” in the behavioural path.
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- Do it again, over and over. Keep turning your mind to acceptance every time you come to a fork in the road where you can reject reality or accept it.
- Practice Radical Acceptance.
Radical Acceptance:
Radical acceptance is complete, total acceptance of what is happening, without trying to fight reality.
Radical acceptance, when practiced, allows you to refocus your energy only on that which you can control.
It gives you the tools to see reality clearly, and accept the truth of what is happening. When faced with extreme life changes, it can be hard to live in that reality. We often have the urge to cling to what we know, resisting or rejecting what is really happening around us, which makes changes much harder to deal with.
How can you start using Radical Acceptance as a DBT skill to shift your mindset?
- Observe that you are fighting against reality. (Ex: “It shouldn’t be like this.”)
- Remind yourself that the unpleasant reality cannot be changed. (Ex: “It happened. I don’t have to be happy about it, but it happened and I cannot change it.”)
- Acknowledge that something led to this moment. (Ex: “This is how it happened…”)
- List what your behavior would look like if you did accept the facts then act accordingly.
- Cope ahead with events that seem unacceptable and think about how you should appropriately cope.
- Remain mindful of physical sensations throughout your body such as tension or stress.
- Embrace feelings such as disappointment, sadness, or grief. Validate your emotions! They are always valid.
- Acknowledge that life is worth living even when there might be temporary pain.
- If you find yourself resisting, complete a pros and cons exercise to better understand the full impact of your choice.
Start practicing this way of thinking with Radical Acceptance so you can move forward.
When we shift our mindset, these changes, when before they seemed insurmountable, become manageable.
“Once your mindset changes, everything on the outside will change along with it.” – Steve Maraboli
