A big part of managing relationships is balancing your needs with the needs of others. This can be difficult because you may be on different pages or your needs may clash. However, making sure to balance your needs with the needs of other is extremely important. If you fall too much into sacrificing your own needs, the relationship will be more stressful and you are likely to burn out and feel exhausted. Not having your needs met also negatively impacts mental health and can make it harder to function day to day. Meeting other people’s needs is also important because otherwise relationships will likely not be maintained and/or be filled with more conflict. Relationships are about reciprocity and are a give and take. Without the give, the other person does not have reason to stay in the relationship.
BALANCING YOUR NEEDS WITH THE NEEDS OF OTHERS IS SOMETHING TO BE LEARNED.
In DBT, there are skills that address this. They break down how you can make sure to get your needs met and maintain self-respect. They also break down how to find compromise and respect the other person so that their needs are met as well. This blog will address some of those skills so that you can start better balancing your needs with the needs of others.
HOW TO RESPECT THE NEEDS OF OTHERS:
Respecting the needs of others is about listening to what the other person is saying and doing your best to understand their point of view. DBT calls this skill GIVE and it is an acronym for what you can do to respect others.
- Gentle. Be nice and respectful when communicating. You can disagree, but it does not have to be hostile. Make sure not to attack the other person or make threats. Use the soft sell over the hard sell. You can express your feelings in a calm, descriptive way. Be mindful of body language and approach with a relaxed demeanor. Avoid sneering, eye rolling, smirking, etc.
- Interest.Show interest in what they are saying. Make sure to listen and do your best to focus. Face the person, maintain eye contact, lean towards rather than away. Avoid interrupting or talking over the other person. Try not to get too caught up in how you will respond in a way that leads to not really listening.
- Validate. Use words and actions to show that you understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and point of view. Do your best to put yourself in their shoes. This does not mean you don’t assert your needs, but you can do so without discounting the other person’s wishes and perspective. For example, “I realize this is hard for you and I want to support you, but I feel….”
- Exercise non-judgment. Separate a specific action from the person themselves. Do not moralize and say things like “if you were a good person, you would…” Stay away from shoulds/shouldn’ts and placing blame. Be extra cautious to not verbalize judgements, but also do your best to keep your thoughts nonjudgmental.
The key is to make conscious, informed, mindful choices about how to approach others. Take the above into consideration when making such choices. As much as you can, also work these ideas into your thoughts, trying to stay as neutral and objective as possible. Regulating your thoughts is important to help maintain control over your actions and not behave from emotional mind.
HOW TO MAINTAIN SELF-RESPECT
This piece is about balancing your needs with the needs of others by keeping your self-respect intact. GIVE addresses being kind to others, this part helps you feel good about how you handle things and keep your own needs in mind. You can remember this skill with the DBT acronym FAST.
- Fair. Be fair to yourself and the other person. Validate your own feelings and wishes just as you do the other person. You can use GIVE without losing sight of your own thoughts, feelings, and perspective.
- Apologies. Apologize for things you need to take responsibility for, but make sure not to over apologize. Once or twice is ok, after that it becomes unnecessary and excessive. That can lead to overly blaming or beating up on oneself. Don’t apologize for having an opinion, disagreeing, or making a request.
- Stick to Values. Don’t sacrifice your own values. Compromise is necessary but not at the sake of what it important to you. Don’t sell out your values or integrity just to minimize or resolve conflict. Stay true to your moral code and how it relates to ways of thinking and acting.
- Truthful. Don’t lie as a way to manipulate and get your way. Don’t exaggerate or make up excuses. Doing so will likely leave you feeling bad about how you handled the situation. It also will likely lead to future conflict around similar circumstance and can make things worse if discovered.
GIVE FAST provides concepts and thoughts around how to view, act, and approach relationships with others, especially in times of conflict or disagreement. The other piece is communicating clearly. Be concrete and straight to the point. Describe the situation, express your feelings, and explain what you would like to see happen. Don’t assume the other person knows where you stand or what you want. Beating around the push and being vague leaves the door open for misunderstandings and not being on the same page. Working all these pieces takes time, so be patient with yourself!
A lack of confidence and low self-esteem can be an obstacle to balancing your needs with the needs of others. It colors your ability to advocate for yourself and maintain self-respect. Don’t let that stand in your way. Download your free self-esteem worksheet here.
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
