Have you ever come across the term “attachment styles” but don’t really know what people are talking about? Attachment Theory, first pioneered by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth, explains that humans are born with an innate need to form bonds with their caregivers, and according to Verywell Mind, the quality of that initial attachment determines how individuals will respond to and interact with relationships throughout life.
Attachment theory recognizes four main “attachment styles”, or the beliefs and behaviors that present in intimacy and interpersonal relationships.
Being able to identify and understand your attachment style is important when reflecting on why past relationships occurred the way they did and applying that knowledge to strengthen your current and future relationships. The wonderful thing about the flexibility of the human brain is that attachment styles are not necessarily fixed. With the awareness and effort to resolve underlying issues with attachment, you can move towards a secure attachment and build the types of relationships that will bring you joy and fulfillment.
The Four Main Types of Attachment Styles Are:
- Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment
- Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment
- Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
- Secure Attachment
Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment
Anxious attachment arises when a caregiver is inconsistent with meeting a child’s needs. They will sometimes be supportive and responsive, but other times are distracted, unavailable, or misattuned to the child’s needs. This creates anxiety for the child as they are unable to predict or feel certain that their needs will be met, which sets the precedent that they cannot rely on future relationships to be consistent in meeting their needs.
Characteristics of an Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment Style:
- You greatly desire closeness and intimacy, but you struggle to trust that you will be wholly accepted and therefore, fear rejection and abandonment.
- Relationships may take over your life, spending excessive time worrying about if your relationship is stable, if the other person is mad at you or no longer interested, or that the relationship may end soon.
- You are highly sensitive to the moods and needs of the other person, but will blame yourself or feel worthless if your needs are not met.
- You require constant reassurance and validation that you are liked, loved, and wanted to reduce the anxiety you feel.
- When perceived threats to the relationship arise, you may use guilt or manipulative behaviors to keep them close in hopes of eliminating the threat, even if you don’t want to and feel you can’t help it.
- You feel clingy and overbearing due to your needs or actions and therefore, feel shameful, undeserving of the relationship, or that your behaviors are pushing the other person away.
Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment
Avoidant attachment styles are often passed down from caregivers who also have an avoidant attachment style. In these circumstances, caregivers are not neglectful and are present in a child’s life, but avoid displays of emotions and fail to meet the child’s emotional needs. When a child reaches out for support, affection, or reassurance, the caregiver will withdraw or may even scold the child for expressions of emotions, be it positive or negative. The child is taught that emotions are either not reciprocated or not necessary in relationships and will form a strong sense of independence as a way to cope with their absence.
Characteristics of an Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment Style:
- You greatly value independence, do not like to rely on others, and feel capable of taking care of yourself. You may not think you need close relationships.
- You have a more positive view of yourself and a more negative view of others.
- You often withdraw when sensing a relationship is becoming intimate and serious.
- You may prefer brief, short-term relationships or casual relationships that don’t require emotional investment and vulnerability. This may cause you to struggle to maintain long-term, fulfilling relationships.
- Your partners may refer to you as closed-off, distant, or critical, in which you respond by calling your partner clingy or needy. This causes you to further create distance from the person and regain a sense of freedom.
Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
The disorganized attachment style is a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment. The foundation of disorganized attachment is born out of fear – Children will inherently view their caregivers as a source of safety, but these caregivers instill fear and danger. Caregivers are often unpredictable and inconsistent when forming a bond with the child. Oftentimes, people with fearful/avoidant attachment suffer abuse (physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional), which renders children unable to anticipate their caregiver’s behavior. Children may also swap between seeking affection and love from their caregiver and creating distance due to fear.
Characteristics of an Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style:
- You crave closeness and intimacy, but you have difficulty trusting or depending on others.
- You expect others will hurt you, reject you, disappoint you, or that you are unlovable.
- You have difficulty trusting or feeling comforted when others say they love you or provide reassurance.
- You are hypersensitive to perceived signs of rejection or betrayal in relationships, even when they are not present.
- You self-sabotage – When you expect that a relationship is in danger of ending, you will take actions and engage in behaviors that inevitably cause damage to the relationship, despite the fear of it ending.
- You often overlook red-flags in others and may have a pattern of similar partners who induce fear or engage in abusive behaviors. You stay in these relationships because of your strong desire for connection with others, regardless of any negative impacts.
Secure Attachment
Northwestern University suggests that roughly 66% of the US population are securely attached to others. Children develop secure attachment when they can predict that caregivers will fulfill their needs and trust caregivers are physically and emotionally available to them. These children are eager to explore their environment, confident that their caregiver is nearby and will comfort them when reunited. The Attachment Project lists five conditions that are necessary for raising a child with a secure attachment:
- The child feels safe. They trust their caregiver will protect them from harm and provide for their needs.
- The child feels seen and known. Caregivers understand the cues given by the child to fulfill their needs and wants.
- The child feels comforted. Caregivers are open, warm, and willing to provide physical and emotional comfort when the child becomes distressed.
- The child feels valued. Caregivers express pride over who the child is instead of what the child does.
- The child feels support for being their best self. They feel supported to explore their environment and trust their caregivers will be there when needed.
Characteristics of a Secure Attachment Style:
- You have a positive view of yourself and a positive view of others.
- You are aware of your emotions and able to express them to others. You believe your needs are important and can effectively communicate them to others.
- You can easily bond with, open up to, and trust others. You are comfortable with mutual dependency and emotional vulnerability.
- You trust your partners’ loyalty and reassurance and do not doubt their intentions.
- You have a positive view of your childhood, even if it was not perfect.
How Can I Build a Secure Attachment Style as an Adult?
It is best to first determine your current attachment style and learn more about how your early relationships with caregivers have influenced your current relationships. The Attachment Project has an incredible quiz where you can Discover Your Attachment Style in 5 Minutes and learn more about your style.
The following are strategies we can use to form a more secure attachment style.
- Identify what thoughts and behaviors are contributing to the difficulties you face in relationships.
- Learn to understand your emotions and needs and communicate them honestly and directly to your partners.
- Practice trusting your partners’ intentions, words, and actions by offering them the opportunity to maintain your trust.
- Be willing and reliable in responding to the feelings and needs of others and practice being supportive of each other’s opinions, interests, and growth.
- Work alongside your partners to approach problems collaboratively and seek solutions without blaming, criticizing, or running away.
- Develop your own positive coping mechanisms, practice independence by being comfortable when alone, and practice self-care to develop a positive view of yourself.
- Strengthen your active listening skills and be patient with yourself. Overcoming insecure attachment takes time and effort and you must be gentle when encountering difficulties in developing new behaviors.
The main takeaway of attachment styles is that our relationships to our caregivers in childhood have an impact on how we respond to and interact with relationships throughout life. Despite having an “insecure attachment” (Anxious/Preoccupied, Avoidant/Dismissive, Fearful/Avoidant), you can develop a secure attachment by recognizing the impact of your attachment style and working to strengthen your relationships with others.
