Our relationships can be a source of support, happiness and fulfillment. They’re not without their difficulties though! Just like everything, they are a conglomeration and balance of many things. Learn more about unhealthy vs healthy relationships, how to set boundaries and create a bill of rights.
Unhealthy vs Healthy Relationships
First, Let’s take a look at signs of an unhealthy relationship:
- Control
- Hostility
- Dishonesty
- Disrespect
- Dependence or Codependence
- Intimidation
- Physical or Sexual Violence
- Stalking
- Uncontrolled Jealousy
- Verbal or Mental Abuse
- Use of pressure or coercion
- Blame
- Gaslighting
- Unequal power dynamic and abuse of it
- Lack of privacy
This isn’t just related to intimate relationships either. These difficulties can be apparent in our platonic and familial relationships as well.
So, what are signs of a healthy relationship?
It is true that relationships will have their setbacks and difficulties. Just because there is a bump in the road, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s an unhealthy relationship. Some characteristics of a healthy relationships are:
- Mutual respect
- Trust
- Honesty
- Support
- Fairness and Equality
- The celebration of and promotion of separate identities
- Good communication or the effort to engage in mutually respectful and effective communication
- Ability to be yourself
- Trusting each other
- Accepting responsibility and influence
- Feeling secure and comfortable
- Expressing yourself without fear of consequence.
- Have respect for your sexual boundaries
- Allows and encourages other relationships
Today we won’t be breaking down these terms, we will be focusing on how we can communicate and navigate our relationships more effectively. If we have an argument with our significant other, how do we resolve or approach it? If we are feeling over-controlled by a family member, how do we communicate to them our boundaries?
In order to understand the boundaries we set for others, we first have to understand our values, priorities and goals.
How can we implement and maintain boundaries when we aren’t sure of what our values, priorities and goals are? Essentially – Identifying who you are and what you stand for as a person will help better illustrate what is okay and not okay. It helps you to better identify where someone might overstep and increases your ability to communicate effectively your boundaries to others.
Once we have that down, we can better set our boundaries.
What if someone isn’t respecting those boundaries or we need to have a conversation with someone?
When engaging in conversation or communication with someone we want to remember that it’s a balance of being respectful of them as well as ourselves.
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, this is explained by use of the acronyms GIVE and FAST. GIVE is about how we should act towards others in interactions – while FAST is reminding us how to give ourselves space and respect.
GIVE
INTERESTED
VALIDATE
EASY MANNER
This reminds us to be gentle with the people we’re communicating with. Be nonjudmental and try not to assign blame. Act interested in what the other is saying by both words and actions. Validate their concerns, express that you understand what they’re saying, and give yourself the chance to be apart of that discussion. Last but not least, be approachable and comfortable when you communicate. Resist the urge to use manipulative language.
Be FAIR
No APOLOGIES
STICK to your values
Be TRUTHFUL
This reminds us to check in with ourselves. Are we being fair to ourselves or to the person? Are we validating our own feelings and theirs even if we are in conflict? Make sure that you’re not mind reading and communicating your feelings. Don’t apologize unless it is actually warranted. Simply requesting something, or expressing a need is nothing to apologize for! We also want to stick to our values. Don’t compromise or over compromise just to avoid conflict. As well as be truthful, don’t lie – conflict is easily resolved by being upfront about your needs and honoring your feelings.
When asking for what something we specifically need or want from our relationships. We want to use DEAR MAN
This skill combines the tenants of GIVE and FAST to help us get what we want or need from our loved ones or express our feelings when they have overstepped.
Create for yourself a Bill of Rights
This is a document that states what you have the right to in an interpersonal relationship or communication. Have a trusted source fact check it with you!
This bill of rights will include things such as: “I have the right to be treated with respect.” “I have the right to be spoken to as an adult.” “I have the right to have needs and express them.”
T.F Hodge once said…
“With regard to navigating relationships highways and bi-ways… Avoid changing lanes without first giving a signal.”
If you or someone you know may be experiencing violence in their relationship please go to: https://www.thehotline.org/help/ for more information.
