Emotional regulation sounds technical, but we actually do it instinctively, and often without noticing.
Examples of this type of unnoticed emotional regulation are things like doing something that calms your nerves before a big meeting or a school presentation. We try to get our emotions under control or we try to twist them into what will be beneficial for us in a given situation. We self-regulate our emotions.
The problem with this arises when we think only in the short term. When we’re stressed, to regulate that emotion we may do something to procrastinate what we’re worried about. This helps us alleviate the troublesome emotion we feel in the moment, but ensures that it comes back stronger later.
Learning to understand the process model of emotional regulation can help us to better hone our emotional regulation skills.
When we make ourselves aware of our own emotional reactions and explore the urges we have in order to regulate them, we can learn more about ourselves, and eventually change the patterns into healthy ones. That way we’ll not only help regulate our emotions in a way that eases discomfort in the current moment, but actually helps us in the long run!
Today, I want you to think about how you usually manage emotions as they come up. When you feel something negative, do you have a method to deal with it? Does that process involve understanding the emotion + the root, or is it merely a distraction technique?
While distracting oneself from a negative emotion has a time & place to be helpful (if you’re in a big meeting and you get bad news, giving yourself a distraction until you have a moment to deal with it is perfectly fine!) learning to deal with them in the long term can help foster stability.
Learning to take time to recognize and understand our emotions can help us manage them better, understand ourselves better, and learn our own needs better.
The process model of emotional regulation is just the term for the way in which we process our feelings at any given time. It is a sequence in which our emotions are triggered and then responded to. It goes like this: situation → attention → appraisal → response.
So what do all of those mean?
Situation:
This is the situation that triggers the emotional response. For example: someone said something critical or mean. This comment would then initiate the emotional response (hurt, shame, embarrassment, anger, sadness, etc.)
Attention:
Your attention is then drawn to the emotional situation. Example: a friend crossing their arms as they say something critical of you. This seems like a physical display of their anger. Within the situation your attention will be drawn to what feels like further evidence of your emotional response.
Appraisal:
This is the process we go through when speculating or assigning unspoken meaning + fears to the situation. Take the above example. If a friend says something critical of you, loudly with their arms crossed, instinctively your mind may jump to “they don’t want to be friends with me anymore” or “they hate me.”
Response:
Once all three of the above happen, that’s typically when we respond. Our emotions may take over and we might lash out or cry or avoid the situation in order to not have to deal with the negative emotions.
Understanding this process helps us examine our own patterns of emotional responses + regulation. And once we understand our own patterns we can make the necessary adjustments to have healthier responses!
Within each of the steps of the sequences, there are things that can help reduce negative emotional reactions. They are:
1). Avoid people or situations that are likely to be hurtful. If you have an acquaintance who is always harsh and critical, or who leaves you feeling negative each time you see them, it may be better to set strict boundaries and reduce your time with them.
2). Focus your attention on other things. Until you are in a situation in which you can focus on and process what you’re feeling and why, try to focus on other things.
3). If your instinct is to assign meaning to the situation, give yourself a few possibilities. Rather than instantly deciding that a friend is criticizing you because they hate you, entertain a different perspective. Maybe they are having a bad day. Maybe they are trying to have a serious conversation because they care about you.
4). Examine before you respond. Give yourself a chance to cool down; do some breathing exercises, try journaling, talk it through with a friend. This can help you reduce instances in which you lash out in response to a strong emotion, and can help you learn more about your emotions over all!
