***This blog is the first in a 3-part series about creating boundaries. Make sure to look out for the next 2 parts!
Creating boundaries is an important part of any relationship. Boundaries are about staying connected to people while also maintaining your own needs and limits. Creating boundaries helps balance your needs with the needs of the other person in the relationship. It enables you to have healthy relationships without losing yourself or becoming too dependent.
Creating boundaries is based off the context of the situation and setting and what our priorities and goals are in that moment. Our overall values also inform what boundaries we set and when. Boundaries are set around our emotional, psychological, and physical needs.
CREATING BOUNDARIES STEP BY STEP
Creating boundaries can be looked at as 3 steps. Step 1 will be discussed further in this blog. Then steps 2 and 3 will be broken down in my next two blogs.
- Define your boundaries. Get clear on what your boundaries are in each boundary category (i.e emotional, psychological, physical, and general). Use your values and priorities to inform your boundaries. Know that they can be different in each relationship and each situation. Make sure you have a clear picture of what your needs are and how that relates to boundaries.
- Identify obstacles to creating boundaries. Look at what makes it hard for you when it comes to boundaries. A big part of this is the myths we create about relationships and how they should be. These myths make us think that we don’t deserve or are entitled to advocate for our needs, or that it is wrong or not worth it.
- Learn how to set boundaries. Know what things to consider and how to approach setting boundaries. Then figure out how to effectively communicate these boundaries to other people.
BREAKING DOWN THE TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
- Emotional: This is all about your feelings and their ability to be leveraged and manipulated. This includes how much you take on from others emotionally and decisions around sharing your feelings.
- Psychological: This is related to information about yourself, your thoughts, beliefs, and values. Included in this is anything that occupies your mental space, things like conversations and sharing information about your life, thoughts, and beliefs.
- Physical: This is your personal space as it relates to your body, physical intimacy, and sexual practices. Included in this would be things around who is allowed to touch us, where and how, and the types of things we put into our body (i.e. food and drink).
- General: This is about what differentiates you from others. This includes anything that does not fall into the other 3 categories and what you do to maintain healthy and safe interpersonal relationships.
Before being able to create boundaries, it is important that you define what your boundaries are. Take some time and consider what your boundaries are in each of the above categories. Start thinking about it on a general sense, then you can more easily consider what this looks like in each individual relationship and situation.
Write down your boundaries for each category. Differentiate between wants and needs. Consider what may negotiable and under what circumstances. Get clear on what you will definitely not compromise on and what your deal breakers are. Think about how establishing and maintaining boundaries can help you have more satisfying relationships while keeping your self-respect.
Setting boundaries is a big part of self-care. Knowing what you need for your self-care will also help determine boundaries. Download your free self-care guide here to start better taking care of your needs today!
Be on the lookout for next week’s part 2 of the creating boundaries series.
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
