The last time we talked about self esteem, we broke down self compassion. As a reminder, self compassion is all about allowing yourself to treat yourself with the same kindness you treat your friends. It’s about giving yourself room to make mistakes without instantly labeling yourself as a failure. It’s about avoiding negative generalizations of yourself and remembering to take in the whole picture.
However, self compassion and self esteem aren’t quite the same things.
Self esteem allows for us to have self compassion. But self esteem itself is made up of six distinct pillars, completely separate from self compassion.
These pillars are:
- Living Consciously
- Self-Acceptance
- Self-Responsibility
- Self-Assertiveness
- Living Purposefully
- Personal Integrity
Take a long look at the list. Which of these are you best at? Which is already incorporated into your life? Where in this list are your strengths? And, on the other side, where in this list are your weaknesses? Which phrase has the smallest presence in your life?
These pillars were coined by Nathaniel Branden in his book “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem”
He came up with them by examining and determining which qualities and characteristics were absolutely necessary in each person’s nourishment of their own self esteem.
So what are the pillars, and what do they mean?
- The practice of living consciously–this practice centers around living presently; being aware of ourselves and our actions, and our environment. In this practice we should be actively seeking new information!
- The practice of self-acceptance–this practice is largely about taking responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings. Once we own that responsibility we are able to give ourselves permission to fully experience all of our own emotions without condoning them or acting on them.
- The practice of self-responsibility–this practice builds off of the second one. While all our emotions are valid and we should give ourselves complete permission to feel them, our choice are in our own control. A key to this practice is swapping out the question “who’s to blame?” with “what can be done?”
- The practice of self-assertiveness–this practice centers around being authentic in our interactions. In Branden’s own words it’s about “refusing to fake the reality of who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid disapproval.”
- The practice of living purposefully–what are your long term goals? What are your short term goals? Getting clear on your goals and the actions needed to achieve them can help this practice.
- The practice of personal integrity–according to Branden this is “living with congruence between what we know, what we profess, and what we do; telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in action the values we profess to admire.” In other words, giving ourselves respect and holding ourselves to the values and truths we hold. “
“When we seek to align ourselves with reality as best we understand it, we nurture and support our self-esteem.” –Nathaniel Branden
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
