Setting healthy boundaries is a necessary part of building satisfying relationships. Without setting health boundaries, relationships are a lot more stressful and exhausting. Setting healthy boundaries is part of self-advocacy. Being able to advocate for your needs and wants is an important step in building a satisfying, happy life.
Setting healthy boundaries can be looked at in three parts:
- Understanding what boundaries are and establishing your own.
- Overcoming barriers to setting boundaries
- Setting healthy boundaries in your relationships.
The first two pieces were discussed in previous blogs. If you missed the first two parts of the creating boundaries you can find part 1 here and part 2 here. This is the third and final piece of the series and it will discuss learning how you can set the boundaries that you establish for yourself.
BUILDING BLOCKS OF SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
- Be aware of self: Make sure to be mindful of your behaviors in each situation. Observe and describe what you are doing and sharing. Ask yourself if your behaviors fit the situation and the relationship at hand. Notice if your behavior feels comfortable and if your boundaries are too closed or open for the situation and the relationship.
- Observe others and the situation: Boundaries involve two people, so it is equally important to be mindful of others. Observe and describe what is happening in the situation and what others are doing. Assess the level of interest and the information shared. Ask yourself if what other people are doing and sharing feels respectful of you and healthy for your needs.
- Understand your and others’ limits: this goes back to step one of creating boundaries. Be mindful of your boundaries and remember that other people have boundaries as well. Keep in mind the context of the relationship and how that informs your boundaries. Make sure to also be mindful of respecting boundaries that others set.
- Negotiate sometimes: We all have deal breakers when it comes to setting healthy boundaries. However, there are things that are open for discussion and will not sacrifice our self-respect. Relationships require compromise. Therefore, it is important to be open to negotiating. Do not compromise on your values and needs. Avoid negotiating in relationships that are not important to you or just to be liked and not upset someone. When negotiating, it’s about the specific relationship and issue at hand. You negotiate when a compromise will benefit you in some way and not be detrimental to your wellbeing.
- Differences exist: Setting healthy boundaries in way that works for your relationships is not only about negotiating. We are all entitled to set limits. However, it is important to do so in a way that is respectful of individual differences. These differences can be related to personality, values, personal history, culture, etc. You want to make sure you maintain your boundaries in a way that respects these differences and how others feel and will be impacted.
- Always remember your values: Boundaries are rooted in your values. Deciding what boundaries to set and where to negotiate needs to be considered based off your priorities, goals, and values. Making sure you are prioritizing your needs and self respect while being respectful and understanding to others can be difficult. Values are your guide to setting healthy boundaries in this balanced way.
- Your safety comes first: Do not compromise your boundaries to be liked or just to fit in. This can be harmful to your emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. When setting healthy boundaries consider the impact on your well-being in all these areas.
These building blocks to setting healthy boundaries are a great way to start implementing your boundaries in each of your relationships. The next step is to find a way to communicate this when necessary.
USE THE FOLLOW SCRIPT AND A FOUNDATION FOR EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION:
- Describe the facts of the situation.
- Express your feelings around the situation and the actions of the other person.
- Assert what you would like to see happen moving forward and what you need.
- Reinforce why it would benefit the other person to accommodate you.
Setting health boundaries can take time and requires multiple conversations around the topic. Be patient with yourself and other people. Know that you are entitled and deserve to set these boundaries. Once you do, you will find that you are happier overall and experiencing more satisfaction in your relationships.
Low self-esteem can be an obstacle to allowing yourself to set boundaries with others. Download your free self-esteem worksheet here to start building your confidence so that you can more easily advocate for your needs!
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
