Stress and Not Setting Boundaries
The specific causes of stress vary from person to person but can fall under: financial problems, work, personal relationships, daily busyness, etc. And something that exacerbates stress or makes us more likely to slip into high stress situations is a lack of boundaries.
If your schedule is crammed full, do you still feel the need to say yes when someone asks you to add something to your plate?
When you leave work, do you disengage from your workplace responsibilities, or are you basically always on call?
When you’re depleted, do you make time for yourself, or is your free time spent trying to solve problems for others, make others lives easier, etc. at the expense of your own mental health?
These are all examples of poor boundaries. When we don’t have strong boundaries in the different areas of our lives, we open ourselves up to extreme, increased stress. We essentially are giving ourselves no time to rest, recharge, recuperate, or make time for the things we LIKE to do. Instead, we are constantly jumping between responsibilities that we feel it is our duty to take care of.
Ask yourself about setting boundaries in relationships, at work and other aspects of life:
- Do I have boundaries in my relationships? In my workplace? My schedule?
- Do I communicate my boundaries when setting & enforcing them?
- Do I enforce my boundaries, or let them slide because I want to avoid confrontation?
For many of us, setting boundaries is a process we aren’t ever taught. We learn that we should go above and beyond at work, in our relationships, basically in every aspect of our lives. But that actually doesn’t help anyone. When we have no boundaries our stress increases, our energy decreases, and the focus we’re able to commit to the different areas of our lives depletes.
It’s important to take time to learn what your important boundaries are in the different areas of your life–and then to communicate them. When we set them and make them known, our boundaries are much more likely to be respected. The really tricky part for most of us comes in when someone pushes on that boundary and we have to learn to enforce it. But when we do, we protect our energy, prioritize our mental health, and eventually are able to be more present, and higher functioning in all areas of our lives.
So how do you go about identifying and setting healthy boundaries?
ONE: Learn to prioritize
If you’re struggling to figure out where your boundaries should be, keep a log of what you do throughout your day, for a few days. Then look over the log. What was really important that you need to make sure you save time for? What can be dropped off of your plate? Commit to the things you NEED to get done, add in rest time for yourself (see tip #3), and then tell yourself that in any time leftover from those, you’ll see what else you can get done.
TWO: Ask yourself “Is this my responsibility?”
Is there a problem you’re trying to solve? Do you find yourself jumping between problems in crisis mode all day long? Does everyone come to you with a problem? When your schedule is full and a new problem arises, ask yourself “is it my responsibility to solve this?” If the answer is yes, then take the time to work on. If it’s not–learn to let others step up and manage without you taking over. Offer advice if you have a spare moment, but don’t take it on for yourself.
THREE: Schedule in breaks:
Before your schedule fills up, block of some time that’s just for YOU. Put it in your calendar, don’t just think about how you want it to stay free. That way, when you’re scheduling in new commitments, you won’t plan over your rest time.
FOUR: Use a mantra:
Sometimes we WANT to please everyone around us, so saying “no” and sticking to it can be hard. Find a mantra or affirmation that helps you remember the importance of setting + enforcing boundaries. Repeat it to yourself when you’re struggling with letting others push your boundaries. It can be anything that helps you like, “boundaries help me preserve my energy. By prioritizing my well-being now, I am allowing myself to be a better friend/coworker/etc. later.”
FIVE: Communicate!!
It’s not up to anyone to read your mind. If you have a boundary that is being violated, let them know. Say “I want to help, but I don’t have space in my schedule for anything else.” Or “I’d love to see you, but this week has worn me out and I need some time to rest and recharge. Let’s schedule another time to get together.” Being clear and direct will help others understand the importance of your boundaries.
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” – Brené Brown
