Everyone thinks it, but no one likes to admit it. That feeling you get when someone wrongs you or a loved one – it’s the instinctive desire to get even and seek revenge. Revenge, although not the best way to handle conflict, is a normal inclination to seek closure and it can creep up in many different ways.
People are pulled to engage in revenge because it may provide: gratification, the feeling of taking back autonomy and power, and help us feel as though we have accepted and resolved a situation.
But is this sustainable and does the end justify the means?
No. Unfortunately, revenge only gives us immediate gratification and it is quick and fleeting. Dialectical Behavior Therapy teaches us that there are better ways to gain power and autonomy when we feel we have been wronged:
- Communicate our wants and needs effectively
- Teaches us how to accept situations that seem unacceptable
Interpersonal effectiveness is a key part of getting our wants and needs met. When someone does us wrong, revenge may not be the best answer. We might need to communicate our hurt, and problem solve in order to gain our power and autonomy back. Revenge may help us feel this way briefly, but it generally gives way to feelings of shame or guilt.
Radical Acceptance is all about accepting situations in life without having to necessarily forgive and forget them. It’s all about learning to do what’s best for us in the situation, and not create suffering out of pain.
Although the act of revenge might give you a high, research has shown that this pleasure is typically fleeting and even prolongs a toxic cycle of retaliation.
Here are some healthy ways to move on instead of seeking revenge:
- Understand the hurt: The basis of revenge is a feeling of hurt, anger and betrayal. Turn inward and take time to understand these emotions and use them as a learning experience in the future.
- Use positive affirmations: Remind yourself that even though you aren’t in control of the situation, you are in control of your emotional response. Try reminding yourself: “I can make it through this.” “It could be worse.” “I will move forward.”
- Direct your anger in a constructive way. Try finding a healthy, fun outlet for the negative emotions such as dancing, cooking or exercise to release endorphins. Writing down how you might want to take revenge and then ripping up the paper might also offer a release.
- Seek the best form of revenge. Instead of wasting your time and emotions on getting even, use this time to thrive. Take the high road and focus on succeeding in your goals and personal growth. It will take your mind off the issue and encourage a positive mindset.
- Let time pass. Time helps put things into perspective. It gives us the opportunity to cool down and take a more objective look at the situation and what is important in life.
- Spend time with loved ones. When you are having an especially difficult time with revenge, spend time (virtual or otherwise) with those who bring you happiness and joy.
If these thoughts continue to consume you and these techniques aren’t working, it might be time to talk with a therapist about how to overcome these feelings and any underlying concerns. Recognizing and attempting to change negative thoughts and behaviors are pivotal first steps to better mental health!
“An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind” – Mahatma Gandhi
