Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, your day is going to be tough. Maybe the subway broke down and you missed a job interview, or maybe you’re dealing with grief and loss. As much as we may wish it were otherwise, things don’t always go our way, and pain is an inevitable part of life.
Remember that there is an important distinction between pain and suffering. It is painful and frustrating to miss a job interview, and it’s really important to acknowledge that! But suffering begins when you start ruminating on it. This may include having thoughts like “I should have known this would happen and left earlier!” or “I just blew my only chance at a job!” These kinds of thoughts will make you miserable and won’t help your situation – no matter what, you can’t “unmiss” your job interview. While pain is inevitable, suffering can be prevented. To reduce suffering in these kinds of situations, try practicing radical acceptance.
What is radical acceptance?
Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill that helps us learn how to accept painful situations and painful emotions, instead of fighting against them. It helps you live in reality as it is, rather than what you wish it was, and acknowledge and process pain as it arises. It’s normal to want to go back in time and rewrite the past, and to struggle with accepting reality when we feel like it “shouldn’t” be this way. But when you stop fighting reality and practice radical acceptance, you can reduce your suffering and begin moving forward.
Remember – radical acceptance is NOT approval. Radically accepting a situation does not mean that we think it was fair or just. It is simply acknowledging that it is what happened, and it cannot be changed.
When should I use radical acceptance?
We use radical acceptance for situations that we cannot control or change. When the problem can’t be solved, and when we’re not able to change our emotions around it, it is best to practice radically accepting the problem and our emotional responses to it. If you find yourself often using the word “should” and beating yourself up for things that happened in the past, practicing radical acceptance may help you.
How do I practice radical acceptance?
It is important to start with observing reality as it is, and recognizing that you’ve been fighting it previously. This observation is often painful, and it is important to allow yourself to feel this pain. Practice validating your emotions, and remind yourself that all of your feelings are okay. Notice where in your body you feel these emotions., and see what comfort and help you may need in processing this.
Now visualize two paths ahead of you. One of those paths is radical acceptance of reality, and one of those paths is rejection. Practice actively choosing the path of acceptance. Imagine yourself walking down this path: how would it change your thoughts, feelings, and behavior?
What would it look like to live in reality?
Radical acceptance is a practice – not a skill you use just once. It takes a lot of hard work to get to a place of acceptance, and you will likely practice this skill over and over again. No one else gets to decide this for you – you are the only person who can make this choice. But as you continue to practice it and find yourself living in reality, you’ll start to notice how much better you feel.
Radical acceptance is not easy, but it is a powerful tool for reducing suffering and finding peace in difficult moments. By choosing to acknowledge reality as it is—without judgment or resistance—you give yourself the freedom to move forward instead of getting stuck in what could have been. It’s a practice that requires patience and persistence, but over time, it can transform the way you handle life’s challenges. Remember, acceptance does not mean approval, and it doesn’t mean giving up—it simply means letting go of the fight against reality so you can focus on what comes next.
