What is emotional self regulation?
At its core, emotional self-regulation is the practice of managing disruptive emotions. When we’re stressed or panicked, it allows us to calm ourselves down, when we’re sad or upset, it allows us to understand what we’re feeling without being overcome by it. Emotional self regulation teaches us to monitor and manage our instincts when strong emotions come up in our daily life, and teaches us not to let them rule our behavior.
How do you usually manage extreme emotions?
Take a sheet of paper and a few moments, and write down your initial reactions. Do you have healthy coping mechanisms? Do you have your own process to work through them? Or do they overwhelm you, leaving you unsure of how to act, or acting impulsively?
Learning to regulate our own emotions can be a lot of work, and most of us are not able to get it on the first try. After a full life of letting our emotions regulate our behavior, it’s not easy to flip the switch.
But emotional self regulation isn’t about ignoring our emotions, it’s about learning to process & handle them in a healthy way.
When we allow ourselves to feel something fully, take time to understand why we’re feeling it, and use our coping mechanisms and processes to decide how to react to these emotions and what to do going forward, we find ourselves making better, more informed, and healthier choices.
Take a few moments to think of a time when your emotions overwhelmed you. How did you feel then? Did you feel out of control? Scared? Anxious? Now imagine that you had a solid practice to help you understand and work through what it was you were feeling.
When our emotions overpower us, we feel out of control.
We might even feel scared. The feelings become the only thing we can think about–we get stuck in one emotion and lack the ability to think manage our behaviors. Not regulating our emotions can be detrimental to our mental health, our self care practices, our social lives, and sometimes even our physical health.
Emotional self-regulation is all about learning to identify what we’re feeling, why we’re feeling, and finding healthy ways to manage that feeling.
It is NOT about pushing away, repressing or ignoring our feelings–because pushing our feelings down can be just as damaging as letting them take control. Emotional regulation is about finding the happy medium; allowing yourself to feel what you need to, but not letting it control your decision making or behaviors.
So how can you start to practice emotional regulation?
- Identify what you’re feeling–you can’t regulate what you don’t understand. The first step in the process is to give yourself the space to name what you’re feeling. Are you sad? Angry? Are you jealous? Give yourself a few moments to sit in what you’re feeling, describe it to yourself.
- Find the root of what you’re feeling–look at the feeling you just described. Where is it coming from? When we know why we’re feeling a certain way, we can make better decisions on how to manage those feelings.
- Implement your coping mechanisms before making big decisions–when you’ve identified what you’re feeling and why, the next step is to manage it. Below I’ve listed several different options for handling intense emotions. Before you make rash decisions (or any decisions, in the height of the emotion) give yourself time to try one or more of the emotional coping mechanisms. If one doesn’t work, move on to another. It may take a few tries to get yourself back to balanced, but with time and practice it should get easier.
Healthy emotional coping mechanisms include:
- Affirmations & mantras: Having specific mantras to use when intense emotions arrive can help remind you that it is a normal process, and that the feeling will pass. Give yourself one for frustration, for sadness, for anger, etc.
- Practice meditation: With meditation you’re able to sit in your experience, as an impartial observer. With practice you will be able to find balance and peace while working through your feelings, without judgment.
- Allow yourself to take a break: maybe you need a nap, maybe you need to give yourself an hour to lay in bed and listen to music. Rather than forcing yourself to continue on through, give yourself the time and space to feel what it is you’re feeling. Sometimes, all we need is a little rest or sleep before the emotion passes or becomes more manageable.
- Keep a journal: write out everything you’re feeling. Acknowledge everything you’re feeling–remove judgment from it. There are no good or bad feelings. Take pen to paper and let everything you’re feeling come out. Journaling can provide both a healthy outlet and a space for reflection.
“Even when emotions seem to overtake life, such as when we are depressed or anxious or angry, it is important to remember that those emotions still give us important information. Rather than judging our emotions, practice acceptance of them and open your mind to their messages.” -Lane Pederson
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
