Interpersonal Effectiveness: A DBT Skill
This week we are talking all about interpersonal effectiveness & our topic is: how to apply interpersonal effectiveness skills in daily life.
If you missed when we talked about what interpersonal effectiveness is, here’s a quick recap: The interpersonal effectiveness model in DBT is all about learning to balance priorities & demands; the wants & the shoulds in your life. These skills give us the tools to navigate our relationships with others on how to get our needs met. There are three main goals when using the interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT: to get what you want, without harming your relationship to the other person, and without compromising your self-respect.
So, how can you make interpersonal effectiveness a part of your day to day life?
Since the big goals of interpersonal effectiveness are to 1) get what you want 2) without damaging the relationship and while 3) maintaining your self-respect, start by thinking over your interactions with people recently. Ask yourself, “How many times did I meet all three objectives? Is there an aspect of this framework that I struggle with?”
Think it over and try to pick out where the discomfort is coming from. Are you unsure of what you want? Do you know how to approach people in an appropriate way? Does asking for things rub you the wrong way? Remember, there are no wrong answers. It’s important to do a little digging to see where our unease comes from so we can work to move forward.
What does life look like when you *don’t* have strong interpersonal effectiveness skills?
→ being taken advantage of often
→ having a hard time saying what you want or need
→ being unable to say no
→ not understanding what is appropriate to share with others
→ being unable to negotiate or work with others effectively
These probably don’t sound ideal, right?
I want you to think about the way you tend to interact with the other people in your life. Are you able to:
→ communicate what you want?
→ say no when you need to?
→ establish boundaries, for yourself and others?
→ recognize the needs and boundaries of others?
→ tune in to how others are feeling?
If you answered no to any of these questions, that’s okay! It takes a lot of practice to hone interpersonal effectiveness skills, and the learning never really stops. It’s just a matter of putting in the practice and being open to adjusting.
Effective interpersonal social skills require us to learn balance. You need to balance your needs and the needs of others, your priorities, your wants, your time, and your energy. To do all of this effectively, you need to be able to set boundaries and communicate them to the people around you, even when it feels weird. You also need to be able to listen to others and effectively and offer them empathy, when need be.
Using DBT Skills: The Interpersonal Effectiveness Framework
When you approach interactions from the interpersonal effectiveness framework, you can begin to appreciate the balance between what you want and what the other person wants. When the person in charge of maintaining your boundaries is you, you can be firm and stick to what you say. You’ll also likely get practice negotiating with others to come to an agreement, which is a valuable skill you can use in the future.
Take a few moments to think about the last time you asked for something you really wanted. Did you end up getting what you wanted? If not, what went wrong? How could you approach the situation again, keeping in mind the goals of interpersonal effectiveness?
There are many ways to improve your interpersonal effectiveness skills in your day to day life.
Below you can find a few key ways to work on these skills for yourself:
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Get clear on what you want
You can’t ask for what you want if you don’t know what that is. The first step to successful interpersonal effectiveness is to decide what your goals are. What are you asking for? Why? What are the reasons you are asking for it? What is motivating you? If you’re having a hard time coming up with what you want, try some journaling to get to the bottom of what the problem is.
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Be friendly, but direct
You don’t need to bend over backwards to please other people when you practice interpersonal effectiveness. These skills, as we have said, are all about balance. It’s up to you to balance the desire for what you want with the reality of what asking for that means. There are going to be times when we’re asking for something hard and it can be hard to be direct about what you want. Don’t beat around the bush – make sure you communicate what you want. However, it’s also important to remember that one of the goals of interpersonal effectiveness is to maintain your relationship with the other person. Balance your desire for what you want with the need to treat the other person decently. Use open, friendly body language to help what you’re saying come across the way you want it to.
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Enforce your boundaries
When we interact with someone else, we give them a chance to respect our boundaries. Unfortunately, not everyone will take it. Even if what you’re asking for isn’t something big or serious, your boundaries are still there for a reason. Some people may try to push past them, so it’s down to you to enforce them. Remember, having boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care for or respect the other person. Boundaries are how you protect yourself and your energy, so do your best to make them a priority.
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Be prepared to work together
Interpersonal effectiveness requires us to work with other people. Even if you work best alone, working with others is bound to happen at some point. Make sure you make the best of it. Remember that just as you are protecting your boundaries and energy, the other person is doing the same. This can make it easier to see where someone is coming from. You may not get exactly what you want when you set out on the process, but you may be able to work together on a compromise that works for everyone involved.
“Getting along well with other people is still the world’s most needed skill. With it…there is no limit to what person can do. We need people, we need the cooperation of others. There is very little we can do alone.” – Earl Nightingale
