Living in New York City, the holidays are all around you. Holiday lights are strung all around, everyone is getting their shopping done, and holiday specialty items (like the pumpkin spice latte) are being sold. Holiday season can be filled with excitement, but it can also bring a lot of stress. Right now, take a minute to consider the following questions. What is your experience around the holidays? What are the things that stress you out?
There can be a lot of expectations on us around the holidays.
It can feel overwhelming to meet those expectations. The financial burden and the many commitments can feel like too much to manage. At time same time, we often have our own expectations and the reality falls short. Culturally, the holiday season is portrayed as a magical time. When we don’t feel the magic, it can create an emotional spiral. New York City is filled with people this time of year. Not only can that feel overwhelming, but it can leave you feeling more lonely than usual. Managing this stress can seem like an impossible task.
This time of year can also bring a lot of family time. There tends to be more family gatherings, which can bring up more family drama. In New York City, many people are from other places and do not see their family that often. Then the holiday’s come and they go back to visit and family is thrown in their face. You can be extremely close with your family and have a good relationship, but the extra family time around the holidays can still be very stressful.
If you don’t have a good relationship with your family, the holidays can become a trigger in a different way. It can highlight the lack of relationship and bring stress and anxiety about what you will do during the holidays. It can also cause you to reflect about your relationship in a way that brings sadness and anger. No matter what your family relationship is like, the culture around the holidays can be overwhelming and anxiety filled.
How to manage your family dynamics over the holidays:
- Don’t compare. It can be easy to think your family is more dysfunctional than most. You might look at others and be envious of their situation. However, comparisons are misleading; you don’t know what someone’s situation is actually like. It also doesn’t change your family. Comparing only leads to feeling even more negative rather than being able to find your acceptance and peace.
- Be prepared for what triggers you. Know exactly what leads to family stress for you and prepare to manage that. Build stress management and coping tools that work for you. Use things like deep breathing, distraction, and positive mantras.
- Remember the positives. Take time to remember what you enjoy about the holidays and your family time. Instead of getting caught up in all the negative, match each stress with a positive.
- Be clear about your needs. Know what your boundaries and needs are around the holidays. Set these as clear expectations before the family gatherings. In the moment, know you can advocate for your needs and take space when you need it.
- Lean on friends. Discuss your anxieties with friends leading up to family time. Have people you can reach out to if it becomes too much and you need someone to vent to. Bottling up your feelings and having no outlet only makes you fall into the stress even more.
“Sometimes family is about choosing to love each other even in those moments when you struggle to like each other.”
The Holidays tend to be a time of reflection, family time exacerbates that.
With one year ending and a new one beginning, it lends itself to reviewing our year and what we have accomplished. This can be a trigger for much of the holiday stress we experience. The holiday season reflection turns into listing what we view as all our failures. It’s easy to get stuck focusing on what we didn’t accomplish and how we are not at the point we thought we would be. This leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and losing joy in the holidays. Therefore, it is important not to get caught up in this negative review of our lives.
It is also common that around the holidays, you interact with family that you don’t generally see that often, if at all, the rest of the year. This leads everyone to be catching up on what life has been like for them. This can create a lot of stress. It may seem like you have to impress everyone else and live up to where everyone else is in life. If you don’t feel happy with where you are, it can be even more triggering to be constantly answering “what have you been up to lately?” Even if you feel content with your status, family reactions and comparisons can lead you to question that.
Remember that you do not need to impress anyone or live up to anyone else’s expectations. Come up with a generic answer you are comfortable giving to your family members. Repeat a mantra to yourself that will help you stay positive in those moments where your insecurities are popping up. Shift the conversation in a different direction when you are feeling overwhelmed. Know that you can also excuse yourself and take space when you need it.
Reflection can be a really positive experience and lead to personal growth.
The trouble is that there is too much pressure put on this reflection. It is easy to cross the line into self-pity, feeling sad and angry at ourselves for not being where we wanted to be. Reflection quickly turns into focusing only on our mistakes and failures. Not only does this leave us in a poor mental state, it is counterproductive to working towards our goals. It makes it harder to be able to make a change and move forward. This week we are going to talk about how you can make sure to reflect in a positive way and one that leads to personal growth instead of going down the negative path.
How to Reflect in a productive way:
- Bring self-compassion. Set the foundation of your reflection to be that of self-compassion. Make the commitment that you are going to be kind to yourself and not get caught beating yourself up. Stay mindful not to criticize yourself for mistakes you feel you made or things you are upset you did not accomplish.
- Focus on accomplishments. When reflecting, make time to think about what you have accomplished this year. Write it down. You only need one thing on this list. When you find yourself losing self-compassion, remember your accomplishment(s).
- Remember your strengths. Make sure not to only get caught up in mistakes and perceived failures. Take time to think about your qualities and characteristics that show strength. Remember what you have that will help you find success.
- Come up with a mantra. Have positive mantra to repeat so that you can maintain positivity. Remind yourself that you can do it and that you are strong.
- Pick one resolution. Reflection is only productive when used as a means to personal growth. However, this can easily turn into to many goals that becomes too overwhelming to work on anything. Stick to one new year’s resolution. Only settle on one goal that you will work on. New years is not the only time for reflection and resolutions. When you complete this goal, you can then reflect again and pick a new goal. It is important to do this one goal at a time.
Today take a break from reflecting to get out of the rumination loop. Then in future days, when you find yourself reflecting over the past year, do it by using the tips above. Not only will this help bring more positive feelings about the holidays, but you are also setting yourself up to feel good come next year’s holiday season. You are setting up the holidays to be a time to give yourself credit and feel excitement for goals in the upcoming year. This new mindset will help the holidays be a time of happiness rather than sadness.
Let’s Wrap Up With Some General Tips On How To Manage the Holiday Stress in New York City
Focus on what you love about the holidays
Don’t let yourself get caught up in the stress so that you lose out on the things you enjoy. Create a list of what you love about the holidays.Then make sure you set time to engage in those activities. When you find yourself feeling down and stressed, remember the things you love and shift your focus.
Reach out to friends and family for support
Holiday time stress can lead to isolation. This only leads to feeling even more lonely and more overwhelmed. Stop yourself from falling into this downward cycle and reach out for support. Make time to spend with others and give yourself space to vent about any stress you are experiencing.
Set boundaries around your time
Don’t overextend and over-commit yourself. Know that it is ok to not make it to every holiday party and event. Be selective about which gatherings you want to go to and when you need to give yourself a break.
Stick to a budget
The financial burden of the holidays can be extremely stressful. Lay out a budget for yourself and use that to guide your holiday spending on gifts, events, decorations, etc. Allow yourself to cut out spending that isn’t necessary but causes you stress. Remember the holidays are not about how much you spend. Allow yourself to spend based on what works for you.
Think about how you can start enjoying the holiday season and feel less stress around this time of year. Ask yourself how you will start using the tips outlined in this blog.
“Stress is not what happens to us. It’s our response to what happens, and response is something we can choose.”
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
