Learning to Stop Personalization

This week we are talking all about distorted thinking & our topic is: personalization.

First, what is distorted thinking? It’s its simplest definition, a cognitive distortion is a way in which our mind convinces us of something that isn’t true or has no real basis in reality. There are many kinds of cognitive distortions, such as polarized thinking, overgeneralization, jumping to conclusions, catastrophizing, etc. The one we’re going to focus on this week is personalization.

Personalization occurs when we take everything–even things that logically could not be about us–personally.

PositivePsychology further explains it by saying, “This distortion covers a wide range of situations, from assuming you are the reason a friend did not enjoy the girl’s night out because of you, to the more severe examples of believing that you are the cause for every instance of moodiness or irritation in those around you.”

Today I want you to think about how you respond to the situations and environment around you.

Do you spend too much time finding ways to attribute current circumstances (a friends mood, a tense feeling, derailed plans, etc.) to your person or your behavior?

Now I want you to ask: how does that help you resolve issues? Does it actually help you, or does it create a new problem which you then feel too vulnerable to deal with?

When we assign unearned blame to ourselves, we may feel like we’re getting to the root of the problem, but instead we’re centering the conversation on ourselves and our own insecurities instead of the reality around us. This gives us an outlet in which we feel our insecurities are confirmed, when it is really our own fear or self doubt connecting the dots.

While having a sense of personal responsibility over things we *can* control is always healthy, personalization occurs when that personal responsibility becomes the only way we respond to situations around us–whether they are truly about us or not. Instead of things happening around us, we start to see everything as happening *to* us, and start to run through the ways we could have been better to prevent them.

So how can we stop personalization?

1.  Don’t try to stop it outright: what? We just said we should stop this right? But, just like any other negative thinking pattern, personalization won’t go away overnight. It’s better to first learn to identify it when it happens. Before you even try to kick the habit, focus first on noting when it happens. Say to yourself “this is personalization” when it happens, and continue on with your day.
2. Remember you don’t know everyone’s full story: once you’ve learned to identify your own habit, it’s time to bring thoughts of others into the picture. Telling yourself that there is no way to know everything that is happening in a persons life is a good reminder for when things seem to be directed at you. Someone’s bad mood might be because they haven’t been sleeping well or have been having stressful situations at home, it’s not because they don’t like you. Take time after identifying your own tendency for personalization to remind yourself that there is more to the picture than what you’re seeing.
3. Ask yourself why you’re responsible for something: When someone’s mood or disappointment feels like your fault, ask yourself why? Is what is happening truly your responsibility, or have you put that expectation on yourself?
4. Seek out situations in which rejection is likely (but not devastating): this method can help you learn how to take rejection better–if you’re not putting all your eggs in that basket, the rejection isn’t as upsetting as when it’s something you really want. Then you can start to see that rejection isn’t about you personally, it’s about many circumstances coming together. This will help better prepare you for the instances in which it will feel like a personal event.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but you thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking.” -Eckhart Tolle

 

Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC

Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.

Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.