Do you struggle with saying no?
Do you not know how to say no to a request, or how to stand firm with your boundaries?
Learning when to say no effectively is a major skill, and one that is necessary for effective, healthy relationships. But many of us don’t even know when to do it.
If you’re a people pleaser, saying no can seem impossible. You want to help people as much as you can, you want to make other people happy, and (maybe most of all) you want them to like you. And All of those things seem like good enough reasons to just say yes whenever someone asks something of you.
But are they?
While it is obviously fine and normal to want others to like you, and to feel the urge to make people happy, those urges shouldn’t completely rule your behavior.
Saying no can feel mean. It can feel selfish. It can make us feel guilty. But it is actually incredibly important. It helps us take stock of our own needs, our own boundaries, and our relationships with others, and make sure all of those things are aligned. When our boundaries and needs are ignored in our relationships, the relationships weaken or become unhealthy.
Why is learning how to say no important? There are many reasons including:
- improved stress management
- improved time management
- increased self esteem
- better work/life balance
- decreased anxiety
- decreased likelihood for burnout
In essence: to learn to say no is learning to identify and honor your own limits.
Yes, it would be wonderful if we could say yes to everything that everyone asked of us. But it’s just not possible. When we say yes to too many things, we don’t factor in our own needs (rest, values, obligations, etc.) and it leaves us burned out–and likely resentful.
So how do you learn to say no?
There are 10 major factors that play into any request or refusal. Consider each of these ten, and ask yourself these questions:
Capability:
- How capable are you in regards to the task at hand?
- How capable is the person you’re communicating with?
- Meaning, are you even capable of giving the person what they want?
Priorities:
- What are your priorities?
- Will saying no align with those priorities?
- Is your relationship a priority?
- Will saying no damage the relationship?
Self-respect:
- What effect will your actions have on your self respect?
- How will saying no impact your self respect?
- Will saying no make you feel bad about yourself?
Rights + Obligation:
- What are you morally obligated to do?
- What are you legally obligated to do?
- Would saying no be a violation of either of these obligations?
- Is what they are asking of you a violation of your own rights?
Authority:
- Who is in the position of authority in the situation?
- How might that affect the outcome of the conversation?
- Does the person asking have authority over you?
- Is what they are asking of you within their authority to ask?
Relationship:
- What is the nature of your relationship with this person?
- Is what they are asking of you appropriate, considering the nature of your relationship?
Goals:
- What are your short term and long term goals?
- How does this impact them?
- Will saying yes to what they are asking of you keep the peace at the current moment, but damage things in the long run?
- Will you regret saying no in the future?
Relationship balance:
- What is the give and take of your relationship?
- Do you give as much as you take in this relationship?
- Does the other person?
Preparation:
- Are you prepared no matter the outcome?
- Is the request they are making of you clear?
- Do you know exactly what you would be saying yes to?
Timing:
- How would the timing of your refusal fall?
- Is this a bad time to refuse the request?
There aren’t strict rules you need to follow when deciding to say yes or no.
But learning to consider these ten things can help make you more efficient at learning when you should be saying no, and staying firm within your own boundaries.
“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” Paulo Coelho
