Interpersonal Effectiveness: Setting and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
Healthy boundaries are about staying connected to people while also maintaining your own needs and limits. Creating boundaries helps to balance your needs with the needs of the other person in the relationship. It enables you to have healthy relationships without losing yourself or becoming too dependent. Co-dependence begins with a lack of boundaries and can end with the implementation of healthy ones.
Research tells us that healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care. Poor boundaries can lead to resentment, anger, and burnout.
As such boundaries are so important for our mental health as well as the mental health of those around us. The journey to identifying, setting and maintaining boundaries is a transition that can be easy for some and difficult for others! Wherever your journey takes you (whether linear, circular or even chaotic), remember to be kind and compassionate towards yourself.
There are a lot of different boundary types out there. In order to head start your journey to healthy boundaries…
Let’s break down types of healthy boundaries:
Emotional Boundaries
This is all about your feelings and their ability to be leveraged or manipulated. This includes how much you take on from others emotionally and decisions around sharing your feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries include knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others. Poor emotional boundaries include letting another’s feelings dictate your own and sacrificing your own needs to please another.
Psychological Boundaries
This is related to information about yourself, your thoughts, your beliefs, your values, and anything that occupies your mental space. Remember: always seeing eye-to-eye with another person is not possible. Everyone has different experiences, but you have the right to your own thoughts, values, beliefs and opinions.
It is important to give and receive respect when it comes to mental boundaries.
If expressing yourself is met with aggression, invalidation or belittling, then it might be worth disengaging. It is important to be willing to listen and speak in a non-judgemental and respectful way.
Physical Boundaries
A physical boundary addresses your personal space as it relates to your body, physical intimacy, and sexual practices. Reflect on the amount of physical contact someone engages you with and check in with yourself. Notice if your personal space is being violated, and whether it leaves you uncomfortable and anxious.
Being clear and firm about what is allowed in your physical space can be the difference between you feeling safe or not.
General Boundaries
This is about what differentiates you from others. This includes anything that doesn’t fall into the other 3 categories and what you do to maintain healthy and safe interpersonal relationships.
Some tips on how to set healthy boundaries!
Be aware of self.
Be mindful of your behaviors in each situation. Observe and describe what you are doing and sharing. Notice if your boundaries are too closed or open for the situation and relationship at hand.
Observe others and the situation.
Boundaries involve two people, so it is important to be mindful of others. Observe and describe what others are doing and sharing. Ask yourself if what others are doing and sharing feels respectful of you and healthy for your needs.
Understand your limits and others’ limits.
Be mindful of your boundaries and remember that other people have boundaries, as well. Make sure to be mindful of respecting boundaries that others set.
Negotiate sometimes.
We all have deal breakers when it comes to setting healthy boundaries. However, there are things that are open for discussion and will not sacrifice our self-respect.
Relationships require compromise. Therefore, it is important to be open to negotiating. Do not compromise on your values and needs.
Differences exist.
We are all entitled to set limits. However, it is important to do so in a way that is respectful of individual differences. These differences can be related to personality, values, personal history, culture, etc. You want to make sure you maintain your boundaries in a way that respects these differences and how others feel and will be impacted.
Remember your values.
An important step in the process of setting healthy boundaries is identifying what behaviors from others are acceptable and what behaviors from others might lead to discomfort or distress. Making sure you are prioritizing your needs and self-respect while being respectful and understanding to others can be difficult. Values are your guide to setting healthy boundaries in this balanced way.
Remember this:
Your safety comes first! Do not compromise your boundaries to be liked or just to fit in. This can be harmful to your emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. When setting healthy boundaries consider the impact on your well-being in all these areas.
When thinking of boundaries, people may often become worried about being impolite, rude or too direct. There are many ways to break down the societal implications of these concepts; However, at the end of the day – boundaries are something that can be communicated effectively to our loved ones, and should be respected. It is not impolite, rude or direct to respectfully assert your feelings and be open as well as honest with the people around you.
“Boundaries are a function of self-respect and self-love.” – Brene Brown
