What is self compassion?
Self compassion is all about allowing yourself to treat yourself with the same kindness you treat your friends. It’s about giving yourself room to make mistakes without instantly labeling yourself as a failure. It’s about avoiding negative generalizations of yourself and remembering to take in the whole picture.
Self compassion is often a better motivator than criticism. It allows you to remember that you have the ability to achieve your best, even if you’re struggling right now–rather than beating yourself up and convincing yourself that you won’t achieve the way self criticism often does.
When getting started with self compassion, take a few moments to reflect. Ask yourself:
- How can I be kinder to myself?
- What areas of my life have I been too critical of?
- How can I refocus to show myself compassion rather than criticism?
- How much more could I achieve if the voice in my head treated me & supported me as a friend?
- How does self criticism leave me feeling?
Self compassion is all about reframing your negative thoughts about yourself in a more positive, productive way.
If you find yourself falling back on self criticism frequently, making the shift to self compassion can feel unnatural or difficult. This is okay! It’s a conscious practice that requires care and attention.
Don’t start by trying to change your entire life. Pick one area where you can show yourself a little more compassion.
Maybe you’re struggling at work. Instead of beating yourself up, make a list of things you’ve achieved at work in the past. Use it as a reminder of what you are capable of! Then take time to remind yourself that there are always people around who you can ask for help.
If you feel inadequacy creeping in, remind yourself that learning is all part of growing and that you’ll be better equipped to handle the next problem once you get through this. Ask yourself:
- If your best friend was describing this same struggle to you, what would you say to them?
- Is it nicer than what you would say to yourself?
Write down what you would say to them and read it back to yourself. That’s the language you should be using when focusing on your own problems too.
Self criticism is often caused by comparing ourselves to others.
But a major failing of this habit is we know ourselves so much better than we know other people. We see what others want us to see, we don’t know the struggles they are dealing with below the surface, and we feel like ours are out there for everyone to see.
Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on the progress you’ve made. If a younger you saw how much you’ve accomplished + learned now, wouldn’t they be impressed? Remind yourself how many hard things you’ve dealt with + made it through.
Still need some guidance? Use these questions as a road map on your way to self compassion:
- When was the last time I recognized my own growth + accomplishments?
- What’s one thing I’m proud of myself for learning?
- What still feels daunting about self compassion?
When you’ve taken time to practice self compassion, leave yourself a moment to appreciate all the work you’ve put in. No accomplishment is too small, all deserve to be celebrated. Take a few minutes and be proud of whatever steps you took to work on self compassion.
“Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance.” -Tara Brach
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
