Back In the 1940’s and 50’s the term “codependent” was first coined to describe patterns of enabling behavior that led to an imbalance of power in couples, families, and friends of those who used substances. Nowadays, codependence has been used to describe any relationship where there are enmeshed boundaries, a difficulty retaining a sense of self outside of the person or relationship, and a series of behavioral patterns.
Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) is a twelve-step program for people who share a common desire to develop functional and healthy relationships. They stray away from defining any set criteria or definition of what being codependent is. However, they list a few recurring patterns of behavior that someone who is codependent might engage in.
Codependent Behavior
- Denial Patterns
- Categorized by difficulty identifying one’s own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
- Minimization and self-invalidation of those feelings.
- Low-self esteem patterns
- Categorized by difficulty building, engaging in, or retaining self-esteem without external validation.
- Compliance patterns
- Categorized by the engaging of narcissistic behaviors and the need to feel needed by others.
- Avoidance patterns
- Categorized by the avoidance of conflict, emotion, intimacy, and engaging in judgmental thinking of self and others.
There are many theories and ideas as to what causes codependency in people. Some of these include it stemming from dysfunctional family dynamics or learning from an early age.
Regardless of how we learned what we learned, there are ways to begin breaking out of old patterns of behavior, and building new and healthy habits:
- Build and maintain boundaries with yourself and others.
- Learn to identify and understand your emotions, what they do for you, and the myths of emotions that we are taught growing up.
- Utilize your interpersonal effectiveness skills like DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST to balance the give and take in relationships and better advocate for your wants and needs.
- Engage in self-care and build loving-kindness towards yourself.
Recognizing that you have codependent tendencies or are in a codependent relationship can be tough, but by breaking those patterns you can develop healthy, productive relationships with yourself and those around you.
