Self-Invalidation is one of many dialectical dilemmas.
We have covered dialectical dilemmas before, focusing on the dilemma of active passivity. But if you aren’t familiar with them, dialectical dilemmas, according to GoodTherapy are “the extreme states a person may present in treatment.” In DBT treatment, the goal is to find a healthy union of the two opposing ideas in whichever dilemma a patient presents.
Self invalidation is when we are ruled by black + white ideas of what we “should” and “should not” do, feel, or think.
And when we do not live up to those expectations we believe something is wrong with *us*. (Rather than the unrealistic expectation we put on ourselves).
Today I want you to consider:
➡ How do you feel when you don’t live up to the expectations you have for yourself + others?
➡ Are you able to adjust your expectations, or do you feel as though you have failed and lost value + worthiness?
➡ Do you see your expectations as a test of your self worth? (Meaning: if you meet them, you maintain your self worth, if you don’t, then you are a “failure” “unworthy” “stupid” etc.)?
Judging ourselves on a pass/fail scale sets us up for invalidation.
Oftentimes the methods of invalidation are learned, but when we don’t examine them, we leave too much room for negative self talk + decreased self worth.
Instead, imagine you that when you didn’t meet the expectation you had for yourself that you instead took a look at the expectation itself to see where it didn’t align with your reality. How would you self worth and self talk change?
Take this example from ThriveGlobal:
“Self invalidation looks like; “Why am I having such a hard time, I don’t know what my deal is.” Or as I like to tout, basically any sentence starting with “I need to just,” or “I should just,” these sentences infer that if one was trying harder or took a simple action then everything would be different.”
When we self-invalidate we ignore the reality of our environment, circumstances, etc. and place the entirety of the blame for not “living up” to expectations on ourselves. This sort of negative self talk can increase our stress, and exacerbate tendencies toward isolation.
Here’s how you can begin to challenge + change the pattern of self invalidation:
1). Notice your self-talk patterns:
Do you realize the ways in which you talk to yourself? If we don’t examine our self-talk we may not even realize how negative it actually is. Learning to reflect on how we’re talking to ourselves is the first step to changing it.
2). Recognize invalidation when it comes up:
When you hear yourself think or say “I should just…” or “I should have done…” or “Why didn’t I…” stop and reflect. This is invalidation talking to you–and it is not giving a fair assessment of what happened. Even if you can’t change the self-talk pattern right away, make a habit of pointing it out to yourself whenever self invalidation is showing up.
3). Replace the invalidating language:
De-centralize yourself from the expectation. When you say things like “I shouldn’t be having such a hard time” you eliminate any factors outside of yourself–when in reality our lives are influenced by so many things outside of our control! Learn to ask yourself questions about your situation instead of dolling out judgment and criticism. Instead of saying “I shouldn’t be so lazy” think “what is preventing me from re-prioritizing my time to accomplish something?” This way, the judgment and invalidation is removed from the thought, and a path toward an action plan is built right in.
