***Part 2 of the creating boundaries series. Click here to read part 1.
Establishing boundaries is a significant part of relationships. It is therefore, important to overcome barriers to setting boundaries. Establishing boundaries is necessary for:
- Self-care
- Maintaining self-respect and feelings of empowerment
- Positive self-esteem
- Feeling satisfaction in your relationships
- Balancing your needs with the needs of others
- Getting your needs and wants met.
- Having power over your life
- Overall happiness
Without boundaries, relationships can be much more stressful and it is easier to burnout. Barriers to setting boundaries make it much harder to set boundaries and keep to them. It is key to first get clear on what your boundaries are. Check out last weeks blog post here to read more about creating your boundaries. Once your boundaries are set, the next step is to overcome barriers to setting and maintaining boundaries.
BARRIERS TO SETTING BOUNDARIES:
- FEAR of rejection and/or abandonment.
- FEAR of confrontation and upsetting someone
- GUILT or shame
- Not knowing how
These barriers to setting boundaries are reinforced by myths that we have about relationships. When thinking about setting boundaries, these myths and feelings make it harder, and likely even stop us from doing so.
Setting boundaries is a learned skill which will be broken down in next weeks, final part of the creating boundaries series. However, a big part of setting boundaries is overcoming barriers. It is important to first identify what your barriers are. Check in on what myths are standing in your way. Are you telling yourself things like:
“I don’t deserve (or am not entitled to) get what I need or want.”
“Setting a boundary will lead to conflict that I cannot handle.”
“Other people’s needs are more important than mine.”
“If someone does not want to accommodate me, that means I am wrong for asking.”
“I will lose the friendship if I ask my request.”
“Needing this boundary is wrong.”
“Asking for this boundary is selfish.”
“Needing this boundary shows that I am weak.”
“I am responsible for the other person’s feelings.”
Overcoming barriers to setting boundaries is about shifting these thought and myths. Doing so helps you regulate the guilt, shame, and fear that is standing in your way of getting what you need and want. This will allow you to set boundaries with more ease.
HOW OVERCOME BARRIERS TO SETTING BOUNDARIES
- Identify what your barriers are. Get clear about what is standing in your way of advocating for yourself. Think about what feelings and myths are coming into play.
- Evaluate what makes you think these myths are true. Think about what in your life has led you to believe in these myths. Consider your life experiences and feedback from other people that have impacted your view on boundary setting. Were you told these myths directly or indirectly from people in your life? Did you experience negative outcomes in the past when trying to set boundaries? Is an overall low self-esteem present that makes it hard to be proactive in getting your needs met?
- Challenge Myths: Remind yourself of the truth rather than the myths. For example, instead of telling yourself you don’t deserve to get what you want, tell yourself that you do! It can be helpful to review your myth challenges daily, until you truly believe them. Then remind yourself of the challenges when you are thinking about setting a boundary.
- Stop Catastrophizing. The feared consequence of setting a boundary is generally worse than what the actual outcome it. Even if you don’t get what you want, it is easy to catastrophize what that actually means and how you can handle it. Get clear on what your fear is (i.e. confrontation, conflict, the person getting mad). Ask yourself how likely that outcome really is. Then ask if it did happen, how bad would it be and how can I handle it. This will remind you that you can get what you want without conflict and that even when things don’t go your way, you are resilient enough to handle it.
Start overcoming barriers to setting boundaries right now! Take a minute to identify what your boundaries are and where they came from. Come up with challenges to your myths and catastrophizing beliefs.
Barriers to setting boundaries can be rooted in low self-esteem. Download your self-esteem worksheet here to start building your self-esteem and allowing yourself to set boundaries!
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
