If you missed the last time we talked about interpersonal effectiveness, here’s a quick recap:
The interpersonal effectiveness model in DBT is all about learning to balance priorities & demands; the wants & the shoulds in your life.
But what is the difference between priorities and demands?
According to Psychology Today, “Priorities are what you want, what’s important to you. Demands come from other people, what they want you to do. The idea is to have a balance that helps you live your life effectively.”
Learning to balance our own needs, wants and desires and the demands of others can help us lead a more effective, satisfying, and overall less stress-filled life.
Today I want you to think about the balance you have in your life currently.
Is your time and energy split evenly between your priorities and the demands of others? Or does it tip one way or the other? How does this leave you feeling?
If your balance favors the demands of others, you may feel worn out, tired, stressed, unfulfilled, or overwhelmed. If your balance tips too far into your own priorities you may be ignoring responsibilities, taking advantage of relationships, not tending to the areas in your life outside of yourself as you should be.
When the right balance is struck you are able to make time for your own priorities without worrying about neglecting other responsibilities, as well as draw boundaries on the demands that come from outside of you to keep yourself from being overwhelmed.
There are two main parts to the communication model within interpersonal effectiveness which can help us define our priorities and balance them with demands.
These parts are:
- Learning how to ask for what you want or need
- Learning to say no and set appropriate boundaries
Here’s how you can get started balancing your priorities and demands:
Check in with yourself:
If you don’t know the balance you currently have in your life, this is where you need to start. Do you have time for rest + relaxation? For your hobbies? Do you set aside time for work, prioritize relationships, and tend to the aspects of your life outside of your person? Where is the balance lacking?
Consider your values
You might not even know WHAT you should be prioritizing. If your balance is so far off that you don’t know how to fix it, examining your priorities is a great place to start. Is having a creative outlet important to you? Make time for that in your regular schedule. Is leaving work at work important? Take your email off of your phone! When considering your priorities, examine them as the guideposts to your life. What you prioritize becomes your routine. How do you want to spend your time?
++bonus tip: consider this metaphor from PsychologyToday:
“If you look at your day as being like a pizza, who and where do you want to give the pieces? Are you putting your time into what is really important to you?”
Set boundaries mindfully:
It’s okay to be too busy to commit to every plan someone suggests. But when this happens, consider your response. Maybe don’t just throw out an easy “I’m too busy” to get out of it. Really take a look at whats going on in your life: if you commit to this new thing, will you have time to tend to yourself, your responsibilities, your relationships? If not, communicate that! Let the person know that you value them and want to make time for them but that it just won’t be possible at the current moment. Then, make a plan for the future.
