Dealing with loneliness is hard. It can lead to a lot of difficult emotions and can feel like there is no way out. Loneliness by definition means “sadness due to lack of friends or company.” However, it is much more complicated than that.
UNDERSTANDING LONELINESS:
Loneliness has to do with connection to others. It’s about feeling a lack of social connection. Dealing with loneliness is not just about the amount of people surrounding you or how many friends you have. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be surrounded by people and have many friends but still feel lonely.
When dealing with loneliness, there is a lack of social connection. This can mean not having people in your life and/or not having the intimacy and closeness in your life that you desire. It is human nature to want social connection and intimacy. This refers to general human contact and interaction. Additionally, it’s about having people in our lives where there is comfort and trust and the ability to confide and depend on. When dealing with loneliness, there is a lack of the above-mentioned social connection and interaction. This can lead to feeling isolated, sad, ashamed, or anxious.
Loneliness can develop from specific circumstances. Examples include an ending of a relationship (platonic or romantic), moving, starting a new job, or starting at a new school. Loneliness can also come from negative beliefs about oneself and low self-esteem. If you worry about being likeable or unimportant, it can be very difficult to build relationships. When you question your own worth, loneliness is often a symptom.
No matter the cause, dealing with loneliness can be managed by developing tools. You can learn to better deal with the feeling of loneliness but also do things to no longer feel that way.
TIPS FOR DEALING WITH LONELINESS
- Be clear on what you are looking for. Get concrete about what you want from social interactions and what is currently lacking. Do you want companionship, guidance, or support? Are you looking for more friends or a romantic partner? Do you feel you need deeper and more meaningful connections? Without knowing what you are working towards, it’s almost impossible to change, and likely that loneliness will pervade.
- Build relationships. If you feel lonely due to lack of social connections, change that. It takes time and effort, but it is doable. Think about the people in your life that you can build a relationship with and ask them to hang out. This can be current or past co-workers, classmates, or acquaintances you encounter every so often. Go to events where you can meet new people and follow up with those who you are interested in being friends with.
- Learn how to reach out. Build skills to help you have the confidence to reach out to others. Learn how to manage the anxiety that comes with reaching out to others and the fear of rejection. Part of this is dealing with insecurities. Do things to build self-esteem and confidence. Work on yourself and personal growth. Address the insecurities that are making it hard for you to build and maintain relationships. Check back on my daily Facebook posts this week to learn about how to build these skills.
- Challenge lonely feelings. Oftentimes, people feel there is a right way to have a social life, thinking there are ways it should and should not be. Loneliness can come out of these shoulds. In reality, everyone has different needs and wants. Therefore, it is important to make sure you are operating on what you really need. not what you think should be. It is also common to put a lot of stakes in needing a romantic relationship. The lack of one can create loneliness even if the rest of our social life is very satisfying. When you feel lonely, check the facts. Look at the reality of the situation vs. what you are feeling at face value.
- Stop Comparing. Someone else’s social connections do not impact yours. Loneliness can come from seeing others and comparing their social life to our own. Especially with social media, it is easy to fall into the comparison trap. The trouble is that not only can the external view be misleading, it doesn’t matter. Everyone wants and needs different things. When we can get out of comparisons, you can stop feeling lonely just because other people have a different social life than yours.
- Be ok to do things alone. Sitting at home alone in your bed can lead to loneliness. Sometimes no one is available to keep you company, and maybe even you don’t want that. In such cases, allow yourself to go alone to the movies, sit in a coffee shop, go shopping, etc. When you can get comfortable doing things alone, there is less opportunity for loneliness to creep in.
- Distract yourself. When dealing with loneliness, don’t just wallow in self-pity. Find ways to distract yourself from the feelings. Do a mindfulness exercise, watch t.v., read, go do an activity. Do whatever you can to not ruminate on feeling lonely, which will only make things worse.
Dealing with loneliness can be more manageable. By using the above tips, you can lessen the intensity and frequency of feeling lonely. This will make is easier in times when you’re are dealing with loneliness. Then, in those instances, you can help yourself better manage so the emotion is not as consuming and painful.
Start better dealing with loneliness by building self-esteem. Download your FREE worksheet here.
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
