We might have heard a family member or friend mention their attachment style, but what does it mean and how does it affect us?
Attachment styles are rooted in attachment theory which focuses on the relationships and bonds of people and (you guessed it) how we attach to others! The theory was first coined by Bowlby, and was later refined and further developed by Ainsworth.
There are four different types of attachment styles, and which one you are can determine how stable or unstable your relationships with others might be. It can tell us a lot about what we fear in relationships and how we deal with that fear. We develop our attachment styles in childhood, usually between caregivers and a child, based on the presence or lack of presence of two factors: the opportunity for attachment and quality of caregiving.
The four types of attachment styles are:
Avoidant (Dismissive)
Avoidant or Dismissive attachment styles want to avoid intimacy and vulnerability. THey may have a fear of commitment, be guarded and avoid emotional closeness. They tend to suppress their emotions when faced with intense emotions, and resist depending on others, have others depend on them, and avoid seeking approval from others. They will often distance themselves first from other people when things become too intimate or emotionally close.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant)
Disorganized or Fearful-Avoidant attachment styles avoid strong emotional attachment at first due to fear of getting hurt and fear of abandonment. WHile they crave emotional intimacy and closeness, they also fear abandonment and rejection. They have a hard time trusting their partner, and have unstable behaviors in relationships due to the relationship being a source of both desire and fear. They may have poor emotional regulation and low self-esteem and have a hard time relying on others.
Anxious (Preoccupied)
Do you tend to chase someone when they give distance or act weird? You might have an Anxious or Preoccupied attachment style. Do you tend to distance yourself from others when they might start to depend on you, or when you might start to depend on them? You might have an Avoidant or Dismissive attachment style. Do you have trouble trusting and relying on others, but crave closeness and intimacy? Then you might have a Disorganized or Fearful-Avoidant attachment style.
Anxious or preoccupied attachment styles often are people who seek approval, support and responsiveness from their partner. They highly value their relationship and fear abandonment. If their partner or friend were to become distant or pull away, someone with this attachment style may react by becoming more clingy, insecure, demanding or preoccupied with the relationship. They respond to the fear of being abandoned by holding tighter to their loved one.
Secure
Secure attachment style is rooted in security. Someone with a secure attachment style has mutual trust and support in themselves and others. It is rooted in pen expression and a healthy give and take of dependence and independence. They thrive in their relationships AND they don’t fear being on their own. Secure attachment styles maintain healthy and strong boundaries.
Understanding your individual attachment style can help you better understand and navigate your personal relationships. If you need support or help identifying attachment styles in your own relationships, EYMT offers personalized relationship therapy and counseling. Visit the website to learn more.
