Healthy communication can provide a great source of support, positive emotions, and connection. But, it can be difficult to recognize how to communicate effectively. This week in our DBT Self Help series highlighting various DBT exercises, we are going to be talking about how to use communication in everyday utilizing DBT.
A great way to utilize communication through DBT is by practicing Interpersonal Effectiveness.
Quick Review On Interpersonal Effectiveness
Interpersonal Effectiveness is all about learning to balance priorities & demands; the wants & the shoulds in your life. These skills give us the tools to navigate our relationships with others on how to get our needs met. There are three main goals when using the interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT: to get what you want, without harming your relationship to the other person, and without compromising your self-respect.
DBT Exercises: Communication using Interpersonal Effectiveness
One way is to practice DEAR MAN!
DEAR MAN is an acronym used in DBT exercises to help you with interpersonal effectiveness. This skill is used to help you ask for and get what you want in a healthy way that still holds space for the relationship you have with the other person. DEAR MAN helps you get clear on your objectives and ask for them in a direct way.
DEAR MAN Steps
Describe:
Describe what it is that you want, using clarity in words to minimize misunderstanding. State only the facts. Do not assume that the other person can guess what it is that you mean.
Express:
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows exactly how you’re feeling. Another tip for this step is to use “I” language instead of ‘You” language.
Assert:
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly and politely. Don’t assume that others will do what you want if you don’t ask. Remember, people can’t read your mind, so even if the conversation you are having is building to this point, it’s crucial to say your objective plainly. Make sure you are being assertive, but not passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive.
Reinforce:
Explain to the other person the positive outcomes that would come from them granting your request. You can describe the positive outcomes of them agreeing to what you want. Stay true to your word.
Stay Mindful:
Maintain your position and don’t be distracted. If the other person starts to become defensive or hostile, don’t engage in that reaction and continue to stay on track with what it is you’re asking for. Calmly repeat your objective, over and over, if necessary.
Appear Confident:
Appear effective and competent. Use good eye contact. Stand tall. Try to avoid stammering, mumbling, whispering, or staring at the floor. Remember, you need to believe that you deserve to have your needs met so that others will believe it too! Practice taking yourself seriously so that others will.
Negotiate:
Be willing to give to get. Respect that other people have limits as well. If you are willing to compromise and reduce your request, you are much more likely to appear reasonable and considerate. Sometimes you have to give something to get something. Ask them for a solution that would work for them. You can go back and forth until you’ve reached an agreement you are both comfortable with.
How does DEAR MAN help?
DEAR MAN is a helpful tool to have in your back pocket because it can be really hard to stick up for yourself! DEAR MAN can help you navigate uncomfortable social situations effectively. DEAR MAN allows you to present your objective in a simple, straightforward way.
Gentle Reminder: Don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t master it right away. This skill is all about practice!
How else can you practice communication in everyday?
Utilize GIVE and FAST!
Quick Reminder!
GIVE is used to learn relationship effectiveness or the ability to communicate respect to another person’s thoughts or feelings. FAST is used to learn self-respect effectiveness or communicating respect for yourself to others.
GIVE: Using Relationship Effectiveness
Gentle
Be gentle, even when angry. Strive to treat people with a level of respect.
Interested
Show others you are interested in their viewpoints. Practice active listening skills by nodding, making eye contact, and reflecting back what you heard.
Validate
Validate other people’s thoughts or feelings. Reflect back what others say without repeating mindlessly or checking their facts.
Easy Manner
When communicating maintain awareness to body posture; tone, volume and speed of voice; and smile.
FAST: Self-respect Effectiveness
Fair
Stay fair in your interpretations and negotiations. Strive to come to solutions that are mutually beneficial and ethical.
Apologies
More specifically no apologies. Do not apologize for disagreeing if doing so contradicts your values.
Stick to values
Learn what your personal values are and do not give them up to appease others.
Truthful
Stay truthful in your communications with others. Strive for honesty and authenticity in what and how you communicate with others.
A huge component of IE is to learn how to set our boundaries, and communicate our wants and needs to others as well as be effective when others need to communicate their wants and needs to us.
Take a moment to imagine your values and priorities. Connect them to what you are okay with others doing and what you are not. Write down those boundaries and remember: It is important to communicate our boundaries to others and when there is a breach of boundaries to make decisions in a wise mind.
Reminders:
These DBT exercises can increase the likelihood of positive outcomes through practice! When used, the DEAR MAN, GIVE, FAST skills helps us consider our needs and wishes clearly, without the other party having to “read their mind.” It enables us to ask for what we want respectfully and with integrity, while considering the other person’s feelings and preserving the relationship.
When it comes to these skills, there is always room for improvement. You can always practice this skill and it’s okay if it’s not “perfect”. Strive for progress, not perfection.
“Communication works for those who work at it.” – John Powell
