First of all: what is social anxiety?
When you think of an upcoming social event, how does it make you feel? Are you looking forward to it? Or are you overcome with worry about how the event is going to go? Sometimes, social events can be intimidating to people, especially for folks with social anxiety (whether they’ve received a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder or not). Social anxiety has a way of bleeding into a person’s daily life since so many activities are social.
According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), social anxiety “is intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation.”
People with social anxiety disorder may worry about acting or appearing visibly anxious (e.g., blushing, stumbling over words), or being viewed as stupid, awkward, or boring. As a result, they often avoid social or performance situations, and when a situation cannot be avoided, they experience significant anxiety and distress.”
What are some signs of social anxiety disorder?
Excessive, intense worry about social situations (even months/weeks before the event)
Appearing visibly anxious in social situations
Changing plans or skipping events because of the social aspect
Extreme fear of being judged by others
Dizziness and/or nausea in social situations
Today, take a moment to consider how you feel about social situations. Ask yourself “How do I feel before, during, and after social events? Do I get overwhelmed in social situations? What in particular feels overwhelming?”
What’s the point of talking about social anxiety?
If you deal with social anxiety, you might be nervous to tell other people in your life. Even though we’re in the year 2020, mental health is still very stigmatized, and it can be really vulnerable to disclose that you struggle with your mental health.
However, there are some reasons to talk about this if you feel able to.
Once you’ve told someone about your social anxiety, you will have someone to help you manage it without having to go it alone. It can be an immense relief to have someone to turn to when you’re overwhelmed who doesn’t need an explanation. Friends who are aware of your social anxiety can also keep an eye out for you to help you feel more comfortable if you need it.
It can also be a relief to talk about this as a way to explain your behavior. We tend to think that other people notice our every move, and while that’s not always true, your friends may have picked up on your discomfort in social situations. Instead of letting your friends assume you’re standoffish or antisocial, they will know that you’re just dealing with social anxiety, not judging them.
Talking about your mental health can also be motivating. Once people know that you are dealing with social anxiety, they may be able to hold you accountable for working through this issue. It’s harder to hide once someone knows, so talking about it can actually be a push forward to get help.
Finally, you never know what someone else is going through. Talking about your own struggles with social anxiety might help other people in your life open up about their own mental health issues. Never underestimate how powerful it can be to prioritize your mental health!
Ask yourself: “What would my life look like if I told the people in my life about my social anxiety? Would my support systems change? Would they get stronger? Will talking about this take a weight off my shoulders?”
So, how can you make talking about social anxiety easier?
Cope Ahead
In DBT, there is an emotional regulation skill called Cope Ahead. This skill walks you through the
process of anticipating emotionally triggering or stressful situations and lets you rehearse how you will handle it. This skill helps you work through the response of your Emotion Mind and tap into your Wise Mind. Remember, it’s important to be honest when you’re working through the Cope Ahead process. If you can get real with yourself about situations that are hard for you, Cope Ahead can help you plan how you’re going to get through it.
Repeat a mantra/affirmation to yourself
Sometimes you need a little bit of cheering on when you’re having a tough conversation or dealing with a tricky situation. It’s handy to have a phrase or affirmation to repeat when you’re doubting yourself. Try something like, “I can handle anything that comes my way.” or “It’s okay that I feel anxious, I will get through this.” or even “I am going to be okay.”
Develop a mindfulness practice
Basically, mindfulness is about staying the present moment and regaining control over your thoughts. When you are able to stay present, you can help prevent your mind from wandering or spiraling in uncontrollable ways. This can be a huge relief for anyone living with anxiety, including social anxiety! Anxiety is often caused by focusing on things out of our control like things that have already happened or fretting about the future. When we’re consumed by worry about things out of our control, we aren’t able to stay focused in the moment. That is where mindfulness comes in. Learning to be in the present can help quiet the thoughts that spiral so quickly.
Be clear about what you need
One bonus of talking to someone about a hard topic like this is that you get a chance to get really clear with them on what you want/need. What do you want your friend to know? What can they do to support you with this? Can they help you find social activities that you will enjoy but that feels less intimidating to you? Can they help you make plans in a way that works for you? Is it easier for you to be social when there’s an activity involved? Let them know what you need from them and be as specific as possible – it makes it easier for people to step in and offer support.
Practice makes perfect
Like with all things, practicing talking about tough stuff makes it easier. You can practice via a technique like Cope Ahead, but also know that this process will get easier the more you do it. When you’re stuck, turn to one of the tips above to help you move forward.
It’s okay to feel socially anxious, and it’s nothing to apologize for. Do your best to be upfront with the folks in your life about what you need from them, and be gentle with yourself. You’re doing your best!
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss
