What’s the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy goal?
An unhealthy goal focuses on a perceived flaw, and operates by putting you down. It says that if you just overcome this one thing, you will be worthy of love and happiness and success. A healthy goal on the other hand can be about self improvement, but it comes from a place of self love & self compassion. An unhealthy goal is vague and out of reach.
Healthy goals are made up of actionable steps, a built in way to help you achieve what you’re aiming for. Do your goals reflect the self compassion you worked on last week?
How can you start setting healthier goals?
Think about the types of goals you have been setting. Are they about health? Finance? Your social life? Education? Finding the area of your life where you find yourself setting most of your goals can help you narrow down your priorities and motivation.
Ask yourself:
- What area of my life is the priority right now?
- Where do I want to be setting healthier goals?
- How will healthy self improvement leave me feeling?
Unhealthy goals are often rooted in self hatred. They are also usually too broad making them unattainable.
An example of an unhealthy goal would be: “I want to stop being so terrible with money.”
Framing a goal this way puts the focus on negativity. It says you’re terrible, it sets you up as a failure before you’ve even tried. It also doesn’t have any actionable steps to it. It’s broad & daunting and very hard to achieve.
A better way to frame it, is to get specific. “I want to start putting X% of my paycheck into my savings every time I’m able to do so.”
This is a healthier goal because:
- It gives you something *specific* to work toward
- It keeps judgment out of the goal–you aren’t a failure or a bad person if you don’t achieve it.
- It takes into account the unpredictability of life. Maybe you won’t be able to save X% every month–sometimes unexpected things come up. Who knows when you’re going to have car trouble or an added expense. Not being able to save X% every paycheck doesn’t make you a failure. It just means you’ll reevaluate next payday.
Setting healthy goals should consist of these three things:
- Judgment free language
- Specific language you can create actionable steps from
- An understanding of your specific circumstances–your goals won’t be the same as a friend’s, because your life & your circumstances aren’t the same as your friend’s life.
Are your goals rooted in self love or self hatred? How can you reframe them as healthy goals? How can you shift the language of your goals to be more compassionate to yourself? By shifting your goal setting to a self-compassionate model, you are much more likely to actually achieve the goals you set out to accomplish!
“If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy and inspires your hopes.” –Andrew Carnegie
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
